Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I wrote notes down for the MD game, but I can't bring myself to even look at them.  The Bad Giraffe was back... back and more awful than ever.  So, instead of trying to make sense of anything, I have decided to give him a tribute, Who-style, as we come upon the last regular season game of his Hokie career.  Thank you, Lord, for getting me through his college "career".  

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Oh, the Places You'll Go! 

Congratulations! 
Today is your last college fray. 
You're off to Sundays, right? 
You're off and away! 

You may have brains in your head. 
You have big feet in your shoes 
You can promote yourself 
in any position you choose. 
You're on your own now. And you know what you know. 
Now some NFL team will decide where in the world you will go. 

You'll look up and down teams. Look 'em over with care. 
About some you will say, "I hope I can play there." 
With your head lacking brains and your shoes full of feet, 
I'm sure you'll end up in a not-so-good seat. 

And you may not find any 
and all the announcers will frown. 
In that case, of course, 
as a late-round pick, you'll likely drown. 

You are better-suited there 
in the late-round square. 

Out there things can happen 
and frequently do 
to people as disappointing
and footsy as you. 

And when things start to happen, 
don't worry. Don't stew. 
Just go right along. 
You'll start happening too. 

OH! 
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! 

You'll be on your way! 
You'll be seeing some sights! 
You'll join the bench warmers 
who have similar plights. 

You'll lag behind, because you lack any speed. 
You'll disappoint ESPN and your praises they'll plead. 
Wherever you fly, you'll be the worst pest. 
Wherever you go, your play-time will be hard-pressed. 

Except when you decently play
Because, sometimes, you look okay. 

I'm sorry to say so 
but, sadly, it's true 
that sometimes good plays 
can happen, even to you. 

You can play up 
in a high-flying perch. 
And your announcers will fly on 
Nothing left to besmirch. 

But, you will come down from that Perch
with an unpleasant bump. 
And the chances are, then, 
that you'll remain in your Slump. 

And when you're in a Slump, 
you're not in for much fun. 
Un-slumping yourself 
is not easily done. 

You will come to a place where the benches are not marked. 
Some scoreboards are lighted. But mostly they're darked. 
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! 
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? 
How much can you lose? How much can you NOT win? 

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... 
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? 
Or go around back and do a QB-sneak from behind? 
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, 
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. 

You can get so confused 
that you'll start in to race 
down long wiggled routes at a break-necking giraffe pace 
and grind on for three yards across weirdish wild space, 
headed, I know, toward a most useless place. 
The Wishing Place... 

...for people just wishing. 
Wishing for a play to go 
or a play to come, or Stiney to go 
or a new playbook to come, or Beamer to go 
or Bud to take over, or Weaves to go 
or wishing around for a Yes or a No 
or wishing for their own QB to grow. 
Everyone is just wishing. 

Wishing for another QB, even a sprite
or wishing for a season that might 
or wishing around for games on Thursday night 
or wishing , perhaps, for your leg to break 
or a the cannon to boom, or for Lane to shake
or a string of first downs, or a pair of Hokie chants
or a lack of orange effect, or an Offense with a chance. 
Everyone is just wishing. 

YES! 
That sounds just like YOU! 

I'm positive you'll fail
all that wishing and staying. 
You'll find no bright places 
where Boom Bands are playing. 

With banners flip-flapping, 
once more we'll ask why! 
Getting drafted in any round?  Why oh why? 
We're asking because you're that kind of a guy! 

Oh, the places you'll go! There is chaos to be done! 
There are points to be scored.  There are new fans to shun. 
And the nonsensical things you can do with that ball 
will make you the losing-est loser of all. 
Says ESPN, you'll be as famous as famous can be, 
with the whole wide world watching you lose on TV. 

Except when you don't. 
Because, sometimes, you won't. 

I'm afraid that some times 
you'll play mediocre games too. 
Games you can win 
'cause no one is taller than you. 

So tall! 
Whether you like it or not, 
Tallest will be something 
you'll be quite a lot. 

And when you're tall, there's a very good chance 
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. 
There are some, down the road between hither and yon, 
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 

But on you will go 
though the weather be foul 
On you will go 
though your enemies prowl 
On you will go 
though the Hakken-Kraks howl 
Onward up many 
a frightening creek, 
though your arms may get sore 
and your sneakers may leak. 

On and on you will hike 
Your size will take you far 
Maybe you'll face up to your problems 
whatever they are. 

You'll get mixed up, of course, 
as we already know. 
You'll get mixed up 
with many strange giraffes as you go. 
So be sure when you step. 
Step with care and great tact 
and remember that Life's 
a Great Balancing Act. 
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. 
And never mix up your right foot with your left. 

And will you succeed? 
Chances are slim, slim indeed! 
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) 

GIRAFFE, YOU'LL HIT WALLS! 

So... 
be your name Stiney or Weaves or Bray 
or Beamer Bud Van Leal O'Shea, 
you're off to Some Places! 
Today is your last college fray! 
Your walls are waiting. 
So...get on your way! 

.. and good riddance!

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I may have added that last line for good measure.  We all know we'll be on our way to some crappy bowl game after this.  Maybe a Tire Bowl, or a Mary Kay Cosmetics Bowl... whatever.  I'm ready for next season to start.  Then, hope begins again.

A big sigh of relief... it's almost over.  

Love the Doctor, 

The B.S.C.

Big Butts and a Bad, Bad State

I have four words to sum up our performance last week:

Good.  Thing.  It.  Rained.

I'm pretty surprised by the attitude shift just from the win last week.  I mean, I hope it's good for the locker room and gives the team some confidence... but, between us, you realize that this wasn't a sign of things to come for the remainder of the season, right? 

I think I went to the races at Charles Town once when I was growing up.  It rained.  I remember someone telling me that you don't pick the favorite when it rains.  Rain changes everything.  Rain gives that random horse a chance to win.  Someone told me to watch the horses with the big butts, aka, the mudders.

Last week we were the mudders.  It's as simple as that.  I love that it happened to be against Miami and that they happened to be ranked very high, and that we happened to turn into a season spoiler for them like they've done to us so many times.  That stuff is all really great and entertaining.  But there's no butts about it - we were the mudders.

The thugs turned the ball over a lot: once on a punt return and once on a kick-off return.  We took advantage of both and put up points each time.  In fact, we scored 21 unanswered points after that first TD they scored on the 81-yard run.  That TD would have never even happened if they had called the block in the back on Bonner during the play.  

It was a game of follies.  Byrn fumbling inside the 5 and then Knowles recovering the ball for a TD.  Stanford making three guys miss him.  The thug punter putting his knee down on the snap and therefore turning the ball over to us.  Mudders.  Mudders.  Mudders.

Oh, and a note to the Worldwide Loser in Sports: 

Dear Losers, 

Every week all you really need to do is check out the game notes that each team publishes in order to learn how to properly pronunciate names.  An-tawn is not Exum's name.  It's An-tone.  And Cody Jurnel is also not correct.  That one is pretty much pronounced how it looks - Jour-nell.  I know you guys have really tough lives, but if you could manage to do that one little thing, it'd be great.

Thanks, 

The B.S.C.

And now on to that scary creature that strikes fear into every mascot's heart: the turtle.  As most of the season has gone with my blogs, I just don't feel like stat break-downs are appropriate.  Good Giraffe may show up... Bad Giraffe may show up.  I think after last week it's become very apparent that he's schizophrenic.  So, in lieu of the stats, it's always best to hit them where it hurts the most...

This is ridiculous:

The obsession with the flag in this state has gotten out of control.  We are playing the ugliest football unis today.  THE UGLIEST.  If I were Under Armor, I don't think I'd try to be the UGLIEST every week.  But, they are.  

The problem is... they think it's cool.  It's just embarrassing.  I know we manage to have ugly unis a couple times a season.  That's what happens when Beamer allows a bunch of 18-year-old boys to pick.  But we pale in comparison to this.  Heck, the thugs last week looked like us!  Those could have been our unis.  Why in the world would you leave out a signature color like green when playing a team that shares orange?

I hate the MD flag.  I sincerely do.  I hate MD drivers, most MD grads, MD government, MD tax records, MD Casino ads... you name it, I hate it.  I do like Frederick.  It's not really MD, though.  And delicious Chesapeake Bay crabs.  Mmm... they are good.  Everything else about the state stinks.

Since MD is so fashion-forward, I wanted to just bring to mind things that I'm reminded of this week:

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here.  What is the common theme?  Ridiculousness.  Absolute ridiculousness.

The uglies are 5-4 on the season, and really started off strong with 4 wins.  They are coming off 3 straight losses today, though, as they enter the Land of the Sandman.  They really, really want to beat us.  And there's only a 10% chance of rain during game time in Blacksburg.  That basically means that anything can happen. 

Good Giraffe.

Bad Giraffe.

And no, that's not my company... but I will be checking out the website soon.

Just sit back and enjoy the last home game of the season, and appreciate the fact that our unis are never EVER as bad as theirs.  

Cross your fingers and pray for Good Giraffe.  Be thankful we only have a couple more games with THE Giraffe, and then off to the 1st Round of the NFL Draft he goes.

Love crab chips and crab fries, 

The B.S.C.

I'm a Blog Gangsta

Same ol' story.  Different town.  Different announcers.  Different unis.

There isn't much new to discuss today.  We still do things that make no sense on Offense:

- The Giraffe running the ball on 1st and 10
- The Giraffe running the ball on 2nd and 8
- The Giraffe running the ball on 2nd and 20
- The Giraffe running the ball on 2nd and 30
- Attempting a 56-yard field goal with Cody Journell
- Shotgun formation at the 1-yard line
- Running "the option"

OK, so the field goal worked out.  I guess Frank has figured out that Journell can make it so long as it's precisely in the middle of the field.  He also managed a 47-yarder from the middle.  But The Giraffe gets more chances to run the ball than our backs?  Shoot me!  We had FOUR turnovers.  And, excuse me, but what has The Giraffe done to prove that he can handle any sort of "option"?  NO OPTIONS!

Yet... according to our esteemed announcers, "but for Logan Thomas" we wouldn't have even been in the game.

Excuse me, but no sentence on Earth should ever start with "but for Logan Thomas" unless it ends with "we'd maybe have a decent season/team/outlook on life".

But for Logan Thomas, my a$$.  (Excuse my french.)

This is what the announcers thought of Mr. But For:

- He is "so strong".
- He "will be the most talked-about guy in the Draft next year."
- He hurt himself by coming back for his senior year.
- He has so much talent.
- He is so smart.
- With a "little flick of the wrist", he can throw the ball down the field.

Did you lose your breakfast?  I almost did.  Anyone who thinks that he will be talked-about during the Draft is certifiably insane and should be committed.  Last year was egregious.  How could he have "hurt himself" by coming back this year?  He hurt US by coming back this year!  They even talked about how a team would need to decide if they were going to use him as a QB or not.  I absolutely believe that they were on crack at this point.  Hallucinating and living in an alternate universe.  RIDICULOUS.

The only thing they said last week that wasn't ridiculous was that Nicolas "waffled" someone.  I approve of that lingo.  It has officially been added to the blog's lexicon.

So here we are, facing the thugs of the ACC tonight and, oh, lucky us... they are ranked #11 in the nation.  The only thing worse than playing the thugs is playing them when they are actually good.  Their perfect season was ruined last week when FSU pummeled them, 41-14.  Did I mention that FSU is now #2?  For being in such a crappy football conference, we have three teams in the top 25 of the BCS.  How is that possible, Herbie?

Today's pre-game summary is brought to you by Coolio, all rights reserved.

"Gangsta's Paradise", aka, "Playing the thugs in their Paradise"

As we walk through the tunnel at Sun Life, losing my breath
I take a look at our season and realize there's nothin' left
Cause we've been trying to make a Tight End a QB so long,
That even my mama thinks that our mind is gone
But I ain't never given up hope when we didn't deserve it
We be treated like punks and you know we deserve it
We better watch how we're talking cuz we're the losers walking
And the U has its opponents all lined up in chalk
I really hate to say it but at the U we should gawk
As we croak, I see myself in the cannon smoke, fool
I'm the kinda B.S.C. the little homies wanna be like
On my knees in the closet humming sandman in the nightlight

Been spending most our lives, asking Stiney for his advice
Been spending most our lives, asking Stiney for his advice
Keep spending most our lives, playing the thugs in their paradise
Keep spending most our lives, playing the thugs in their paradise

Look at the situation Stiney's got us facin'

We can't live a normal life, pulling tight ends from the streets
So we gotta be down with a crap team
Too much Vick remembering got me chasing dreams
I'm an educated fool with wins on my mind
Got my laptop in my hand and a tear in my eye
I'm a blog gangsta, not some trippin' banger
And my Hokies are down which arouses my anger, FOOL
A loss ain't nothing but a heartbeat away,
I'm waiting for some O, do or die, what can I say
I'm 33 now, but will I live to see 34
The way things are going I don't know

Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the ones we recruit only hurt you and me

Been spending most our lives, asking Stiney for his advice
Been spending most our lives, asking Stiney for his advice
Keep spending most our lives, playing the thugs in their paradise
Keep spending most our lives, playing the thugs in their paradise

Thugs and their felonies, money and the power
Minute after minute, hour after hour
Only Logan's running, but he ain't bookin'
Is Stiney still in the kitchen, cuz I don't know what's cookin'
They say Logan's gotta learn, but our play-calls are key
If he can't understand it, how can we ever be
I guess he can't, I guess they won't
I guess they front, that's why I know our season's out of luck, FOOL

Been spending most our lives, asking Stiney for his advice
Been spending most our lives, asking Stiney for his advice
Keep spending most our lives, playing the thugs in their paradise
Keep spending most our lives, playing the thugs in their paradise

Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the ones we recruit only hurt you and me
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the ones Beamer hurts are you and me
[Fade out]

--

And that's all I have I have to say about that.  In case you need a refresher...

Drink heavily if you can, and enjoy the late kick-off.  Weaves couldn't stop this one.  

Love being a blog gangsta, 

The B.S.C.

Oops

I think my words were, "I think we'll win it."  Then something about prepping cannonballs because of Cody Journell...  Yeah, how stupid, right?  Silly.  Silly.  B.S.C.

For some reason I thought that we had gotten to that point in the year, like so many other years, where we had figured out how to win a game by depending on our D and our kicking game.  I sorta FORGOT, thanks to my killer short-term memory, that we DON'T have a kicking game.  Depending on Journell to get us through a game = ridiculous.  Again, why would we ever recruit a kicker?  AND, furthermore, there should be no field goal line for Journell on the TV.  He has no range - thus, a line is completely asinine.  AND, Lord help us if they stick the ball on a right or left hash mark.  Did I mention he missed TWO field goals?

Oh... and Duke coming back the week before us and scoring 35 unanswered points against the BooHoos?  That should have probably been factored in, too.

So it goes.

Oh, and yes... we dropped out of the rankings.  Where we belong.

Oh, and Florida State is #3, The Delinquents are #7, and Clemson is #8.  Yep.

At least this group of commentators stayed consistent with the computer graphic all game - 6'6", 254... although, there was an "almost 260" mixed in once.  C'mon Giraffe, gain a little to make the announcers happy.  They REALLY want you to be at 260.

The Goatees were going the route of MD with their ugly unis and helmets.  Matte black with shiny blue stripes... just gorgeous.  They looked like chalkboards - which would honestly be pretty cool.  I called the idea first!  I'm sure MD will use it sometime in the near future.  I wonder if the "6th year Senior" picked them out?  I swear they said that #94 on the Goatees was just that, but I have yet to find an official record confirming it.  Exactly, how does that work?

So much was against us to even start the game.  Big Fuller was out from normal play with a groin injury and only appeared on special teams.  JR Collins did something stupid and was out for violating team rules.  We got to see Exum again, which was nice.  I had kinda forgotten about him.  Apparently he tore an ACL in January playing basketball.

I think Stiney had a talk with Loeffler this week about how to improve our Offense.  Here's a summary of Loeffler's notes:

- Design runs for The Giraffe all the time, more than the running backs.
- Don't run The Giraffe on say, 4th and inches.  In that case, run Edmunds.
- Don't worry about designing any other plays.

The Giraffe had 4 INTs.  Yes, FOUR.

Baby Fuller was BEAST - 3 INTs on the day, tying him with Hosley's record from 2010.  He wasn't even in his normal nickel position.  He had just a week to learn the boundary corner spot - and I'd venture to say he did pretty well.  Maybe Bud will leave him there.  Oh, and he was named the ACC's Defensive Back of the Week.  BEAST, I say. BEAST.

Oh, and a little side note: we last wore the hideous orange on orange uni combo, with maroon helmets, 19 years ago during a loss to The BooHoos at home.  Why would we want to revive something so tainted?

I wouldn't go so far as the announcers to say that this was a signature win for The Goatees.  I mean, we were over-ranked and, well, we obviously suck.  I wouldn't be too proud to beat us this season.  But hey, good for The Facial Hairs.  We deserved it.  This is what I honestly expect from us every week this season.

I suppose I'm done poo-poo-ing last week.  I'm disgusted by my optimism from last week.  So it goes.  Again.

In just a couple short hours, we play The Doug Flutie's.  Just in case they forget, here ya go:

Wow.  I really miss those short shirts.  I wonder if the guys used to get belly button rings?

I'm sure ABC is wishing that they hadn't gone for this one.  We are coming off a loss to some NC prep school that barely has a football team, and The Doug Fluties are 3-4 on the year.  BUT, I will say that The DFs have had pretty decent games against FSU and Clemson.  The other two losses were to USC, which is understandable, and the other prep school down in NC known for it's manly colors, UNC.

I'm going with a loss here.  We don't have the benefit of Lane Stadium and The DFs seem to have a pretty balanced air and ground game.  Bud can only do so much.  And... we all know what The Giraffe is capable of.

I recommend setting your DVR for this one and enjoying it with some sort of beverage later today.  You aren't going to want to watch this one live.

I've decided that we may need a little something extra to get us through the week.  Use this video generously, whenever you need it:

Love rubber legs,
The B.S.C.