Hokies Respect, My Ass

Let me just put this out there: no more punting.  Let's go for it on every 4th down.  If we choke, fine.  It can't be worse than an 11-yard punt.  Nothing is worse than that.  At least other coaches in the league would think that Beamer is bad-ass for never punting.  We'll say that we do it because we have THAT MUCH confidence in The Giraffe.  Yes, yes... that's the reason.  This is the nicest way I could think of to discuss our punting situation, so I'll just leave it at that.

Well, well, well.  Here we are.  The U.  I don't know how I managed to get tickets for this game.  This is the game you always want to go to because it has the possibility of being awesome.  But then when the time comes to pack up and drive down 81, you realize how flippin' scary this game always is, and you wonder why you didn't just decide to sit this one out on your couch.  Well, I know why!  Because you're a Hokie, dammit!  You will endure the obnoxious Miami fans and whatever inclement weather the New River Valley may bring just to have a chance to be there for the glory. 

The weather is actually supposed to be nice, which will be a pleasant change of pace as my toes still try to regain full blood-flow from last Saturday.  We've won 6 of our last 8 against Miami, yet the U still leads the series 17-11.  Don't worry, I don't have many stats for this article.  I know I tested your calculus skills last week.  The Candy Canes are coached now by Al Golden.  He went to Penn State.  Penn State annoys me.  Let the old man retire, for God's sake!  Your team hasn't been competitive in a decade.  In contrast, Miami always seems to be competitive.  And they have 5 national championships to prove it.

I'm not sure why I hate Miami so much.  I'll be wearing my brand-spanking-new "Sucks to be U" t-shirt this weekend.  I've come up with the following reasons for my hatred:
1. They call themselves The U.  ALL the time.  Every NFL intro has some idiot saying "The U".
2. They do the stupid hand thing to make the U.  This is why I hate us trying to make a VT.
3. Their fans are rich, obnoxious, and bratty.
4. Their teams are always made up of a bunch of thugs.
5. They have 5 National Championships.
6. I always have an old Miami player on my fantasy football team.
7. Their mascot looks like a duck.
8. They forced poor Miami University to forever be known as Miami of Ohio.
9. Orange looks better with maroon.
10. Most of their fans never even went to the school.  Much like Dallas Cowboys fans never ever having stepped foot in Dallas.

The Candy Canes are 2-2 this season with losses to Maryland (home of the ugliest jersey in the NCAA award) and Kansas State.  Their trend this season is to lull you to sleep in the first 2 quarters, and then to beat the crap out of you in the second half.  This is terrifying, especially if our offense can't manage to put together a few drives in the first half.  Our defense cannot handle staying on the field all game.  If Stiney can't put something together, we're toast. 

We need to worry about Lamar Miller, star running back for the Candy Canes.  He averages over 100 yards a game.  Jacory Harris, who of course got off easy in the suspension category, averages 190 yards a game.  It doesn't seem like he's been very effective with his feet this year, so we'll have to see what he comes with on Saturday. WRs Travis Benjamin, Allen Hurns, and Tommy Streeter are decent.  On the defense, look for Sean Spence and James Gaines to bully us.  Sean Spence...sounds oddly like Shawn Spencer.  I wonder if he also solves crimes in his spare time?  There must be plenty to work on just within the football team.

Speaking of felons (I mean come on, this is flippin' Miami here), the good ol' Candy Canes had a special team captain last week, Ramon Buchanan.  Why is he so special?  Oh just because he was charged with felony battery on a cop earlier this year and was suspended indefinitely.  HA!  We all know what that means for the U.  U're right on track to being a top football player!  Welcome, son!  Here's your seat at the captains table!  I know, I know, I'm sure there's more.  There were so many results when I googled "Miami football arrests" that I just picked the one on top.

Well... the one on top, after the BIG ONE, you know, the story about the booster who ratted out Miami's long, long list of consistent NCAA violations?  Yeah, you all know that one.  Oh, what a sweet day it was when that story came out.  If there was ever a school that deserved the death penalty, it would be Miami.  But that will never happen.  Just like always, they will get a little slap on the wrist because there's too much money at stake if they actually enacted the death penalty.  I mean really, abortions, prostitutes, underage drinking, putting bounties on the QBs of opposing rivals?  This is standard practice at all colleges, right?

I hate Miami because they are good.  And no matter how good we are, they can always come in and beat us.  I believe they are our best rival right now.  If the Boo-Hoos could ever get themselves in shape, maybe I'll pretend my license plate is referring to them (and no, I'm not going to tell you what it is).  But they haven't been a real competitor since Al Groh started tucking his sweatshirts into his pants.  I hate the Candy Canes because I always have at least one of them on my fantasy football team.  There are soooooo many in the NFL.  So many.  And they are good players, mostly thugs, but good players: Ray Lewis, Reggie Wayne, Devin Hester, Frank Gore, Jeremy Shockey... I mean, I could go on an on.  When I pick up a Hokie for my team (e.g., Jeff King), I know it's just because I want him to do well enough to get off my bench.  Miami players are usually my starters.  Someday Josh Morgan and Eddie Royal will be starters, I know it, but until then, Reggie Wayne and Devin Hester are going to start over them.

Sebastian the Ibis looks like a duck.  Click this; it's hilarious.  Sebastian is a sissy lobster name.  Enough said.

Our D is #4 in the country because Bud Foster is bad-ass.  Miami is #69; even Miami (OH) is better than them.  That must be painful for the Candy Canes.  Our offense, as awkward as it has looked at times, is #64 in the country. The U stands at #81.  What does all this mean?  We should be able to man-handle them.  Easily.  Again, if we can string together some drives so that our defense gets breaks, we can dominate them.  Stiney has to actually pull out a play-book, though, in order for this to happen.  Maybe we could put together a little fund to buy him Madden.  He could find some plays there.

So enjoy your drive down 81 if you're meeting me there.  My encounters with the man in Section 5 are over for this game; I'll be in Section 1.  Dear Section 1: Do not sit down until half-time.  This is not a game for sitting.  If you can follow that one rule, we'll get along just fine. 

The weather sounds beautiful, sunny and 75.  This game is scary-exciting!  I hate the U.  You hate the U.  Boo them with all your might.  The thugs deserve it; Hokies Respect my ass. 

Cross your fingers.  Pray.

Stand on one foot.  Do the Hokie Pokie.

LET'S GO...
The B.S.C.

P.S.  I'm a Redskins fan.  I know that pro football has no place on this blog, but just in case you are a sympathizer, read this.  Cooley is hilarious.