To Eject or Discharge Forcefully

In prepping for today's pre-game article, one word kept coming to mind: barf.  Now, in order to just sorta class it up a bit, I decided to instead use the more "medically sound" word... "vomit".

According to Merriam-Webster, to vomit is to have the food, liquid, etc., that is in your stomach come out through your mouth because you are sick.  The Giraffe makes me want to vomit.  A lot.  Some fun synonyms:

gag           heave          hurl             puke            retch            spew              spit up               throw up      upchuck           lose one's lunch            toss one's cookies

Perhaps, the best movie clip EVER about such things...

I know you may be shocked after all the tossing and losing talk above, but I have to say that I actually liked our uniforms this past week.  The Hokie-colored camo was kinda neat.  I dug it.  

What I didn't dig, as always, was The Worldwide Loser in Sports proclaiming asinine things after 1 series of play, like "Beamerball is back in Blacksburg!"  So yes, we blocked a punt and Kyle Fuller returned it for a TD... but let's not go jumping to conclusions.  The whole concept of Beamerball has yet to make a return to Blacksburg; and honestly, I'm not sure if Frank can ever bring it back. 

For a long-as-crap game, I wrote one measly page of notes.  Most notably, the Water Buffalos had 34 players on the squad from the Miami area.  Is it surprising that they had so many penalties?  Or started a fight with Kendall Fuller?  

Let's just put it out there - Kyle Fuller is a bad-a$$ older brother.  Note to other teams: do not mess with the baby Fuller.  Big brother Kyle will not let it go unnoticed.  It was so awesome to see him run across the field to defend Kendall... warms the heart, doesn't it?

Amongst all the drug speculation and such, Journell didn't even dress for the game.  Frank says that he broke team rules and was forced to sit out a game.  I think Frank probably saw my article and thought, "hey, why not let a walk-on go at it this week?"... enter Keyserling.  He wasn't exactly on point, but just the mention of walk-on warmed my heart.   Again.  This really was a warm and fuzzy game, wasn't it?

So in OT, they block our FG, then we block theirs... then we recovered a fumble.... and somehow, The Giraffe manages to score in OT #3 and get the 2-point conversion.

And, somehow, yet again... we manage to win a horribly ugly, awful game.  I don't know why, but for some reason we pulled out another one.  Retch.  

Is it bad to wish that The Giraffe would maybe get a bad stomach bug or something?  I'd just like to see Leal for one game.  Just.  One.  Game.  You know... some bad El Rod or Gumby's or something... nothing too horrible.  

So onto the Bumbly Bees.  What will it be this year, ESPN?  The spread offense?  The spread option?  The triple option?  Will you come up with yet another term for it?  I wait with bated breath to hear what your genius will say on Thursday night.

In an effort to beat out MD for the ugliest helmets ever, we will be wearing these:

All good Hokies love us some Hokie Stone, but give me a break.  This takes hard-headed to a whole new meaning.  Hurl.

This is our 11th time playing the lesser Tech, and we lead the series 7-3.  The Bumbly Bees are 3-0 on the season, beating UNC, Duke, and Elon.  And, the poor Bumbly Bees are planning a white-out for this game.  Spew.

Redshirt-Soph. Tim Seager might show up on the Offensive Line.  Boo him, even from your couch.  He is from Heaven on Earth, and went down to the Bumbly Bees to play.  Inappropriate.  Traitor!

Here's the most notable stat that you need to know about what Bud Foster is about to face - they have scored 136 points in their 3 games this year.  WOW.  ESPN will love that, I'm sure.  I know that we trust in Bud, but that is pretty darn scary.  The Fullers better be on point for Thursday night.  After a long, long game and a short week, this game is going to be very heave-worthy.  Oh, and they've allowed only 34 points in 3 games on D.  Yeah... I know what you're thinking.  Get The Giraffe some old Gumby's!

It's just the same 'ol, same 'ol... secretly hope to win while realizing that there is a better than average chance we'll stink the whole game.  Keep working on that memory, folks.  It's not gonna get any better.

I won't try to call this one.  I'll leave it up to some Worldwide Loser of Sports genius - like Lou Holtz.

Granny thinks Lou is smart.

Be afraid.  Very, very afraid.

Love a night of sparkling, original football commentary, 

The B.S.C.

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The Indians Shall Decide

Poor Shayne Graham.  Does he have any eligibility left?  I think we may have room on the roster for a kicker...

First things first: Chris Simms.  I understand that Fox is having to think outside the box in order to staff its Saturday games.  I mean, you can't just pull another Herbie out of a hat.  But, according to my very in-depth Wikipedia search, Simms had more INTs in his professional "career" than TDs.  Yet... this is our football expert?  OK, let's pretend we don't even remember his "career" and simply look at his reporting from Saturday:

"6'6", 255"

...a few minutes later, The Giraffe got a little heavier (perhaps the weight of disappointment)...

"6'6", 256"

Then, throughout our whopping 15 points, he continued to point out how "strong", "talented", and "impressive" everyone is.  Barf.

And, as if he could possibly sound more dopey, he said that The Giraffe gets "unfair criticism".  BAHAHAHAHA.  Oh, and then Fox picked The Giraffe as the Player of the Game.  Seriously?

Maybe I was watching a different game.  The game I saw included a TD by the Johnny Depps within the first 2 minutes of the game, a TD by Knowles, INTs, a safety by our D, AND THREE MISSED FIELD GOALS BY JOURNELL.  THREE!  AND AN EXTRA POINT!

Dear Beamer,
     There are just two things I hate more than Orange Effect games: the U and recruiting kickers.  What exactly was going wrong with all of our walk-on kickers that made you go out and recruit one?  Our worst one in a decade, no doubt.  Maybe it was Stiney who talked you into it, but I ultimately blame you.  Journell cost us 10 points against ECU.  TEN.  If we had those points, our score wouldn't look like a baseball score.  I am disgusted by this.

No love,
The B.S.C.

On to what's important for at least the next 24 hours: The Water Buffalo.

Here's how I'm calling tomorrow's game: Indians liked to eat buffalo, BUT I think that the turkey beats out the buffalo at Thanksgiving every year.  Thus, we are better than the Water Buffalo.  So, we win.

The Water Buffalo are 2-1 this year, completely killing Miami (of OH) and Gardner-Webb.  They lost by just a little to Ohio (not State).  Jr QB Rakeem Cato has over 800 passing yards this season - compared to The Giraffe's 517.  Though, Cato is a mere 6'0", 188 lbs. - a baby buffalo.  Their running game seems to be mediocre, so I think our real concern is going to be in the air.  I feel pretty good about our D at the moment, so I'll stick to what the Indians decided - turkey is better than buffalo.  Expect 3 INTs from a Fuller or two.

I don't want to say that the water buffalo isn't important.  In fact, I think you should donate one here.  Apparently, they make darn good milk and help with planting crops.  See?  They are really good for something.  Just not breeding, or running away from arrows.

Ouch.

Get all fired up for this one!  Noon kick-off.  WHITE effect.  How much better can it get?

Did I mention that my ear peeled... and both arms, thanks to the hot, hot sun a couple weeks ago?  Ear peeling sucks.

Love those khaki pants with little Hokie birds all over them (from Saturday) which apparently no one can find a picture of on the entire Internet - Thanks a lot, Al Gore,
The B.S.C.

P.S.  I officially apologize to BYRN.  Spelling will be corrected from now on.

A Season to Not Remember

The key to being a Virginia Tech football fan right now is something that some people would probably consider to be a negative trait.  I, of course, disagree.  And, luckily for me, I have this special quality after many years of sleep loss due to three children...  What is it, you ask?

SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS.

I don't want to brag, but I have it pretty badly.  It's to the point right now that I can almost get half excited for the game tomorrow because I can just forget about the last two weeks.  I highly recommend developing your own poor memory, specifically short-term.  If it's just long-term, you wouldn't be able to get through a whole season.  I guarantee it.  You need to be able to just kinda... black out from week to week.

Ignorance is bliss.

Regardless of my bliss, there are a few things that managed to sear into my brain from last week - probably thanks to the HOT HOT SUN that burned my left ear... and the left side of my neck... and both of my arms.  I think that as the skin peels, memories slowly ooze out from wherever they usually go to be forgotten.  Thus, my game notes:

- Oh... how I miss the New River Valley.  Can you feel the mountains?

- The Mounted Kitties liked to use symbols (see poster board below).  If you look closely, it says... something, RR crossing, something, something.  I think it means to "be like trains", or to "stop being like trains", or "something, something, train something, something."  Or, maybe, the kitties can't read.  Or hear.  Did I miss that this was a special ed school in the Game Notes?

- The older I get, the earlier I arrive at games.  See proof:

I'm not sure if that means I've gotten wiser, or lamer.  Probably the latter.  I haven't had a ticket with 4 letters in the row for years.  Man... I am lame.

- If you weren't there, you may have missed the commercial showing the construction of our very new, very large, very loud, scoreboard.  Per my significant other, the scoreboard couldn't handle finding out where it came from, and freaked out.  It was pretty much blank the majority of the second half.

So impressive.  I'm glad we boasted about our new technology, and then it threw up all over us.  

- So other than my observations from Section 9, I don't have too much to say about the game.  We won.  The Giraffe has no clue how to actually read a defense and then make a decision.  He goes into the huddle with one receiver in mind, and regardless of what goes on, he is going to throw to that one person.  Willie Burn may be my next Danny Coale... though, I'm not going to commit to that yet.  And, well, yes... some people, like Knowles, actually managed to catch the ball.

- Oh, and a nickname has been devised for Edmunds... TREYN.  RR Crossings.  TREYN?  Get it?  We'll see if it sticks.

There should be two major questions on your mind as we move into the upcoming game.  1. Can we lose to ECU?  And, 2. Do I get Fox Sports 1?  

1. Yes.  In fact, I expect it.

2. I have no idea.  I recommend harassing someone at your local satellite/cable office.

I don't want to be a constant nay-sayer, because that will just get old for all of us.  And, I know I said up top that I'm almost excited to watch the game.  The fact is that we are probably matched up pretty evenly with the Johnny Depps.  They are in a program on the way up, and well... we know which way we seem to be headed.  I think we're going to meet right in the middle.  It's nice to watch a game that is actually competitive.  Weaves has made sure that we haven't had that yet this season.  Thanks, Weaves.

Let's illustrate a little comparison, shall we?

 - The Giraffe = 22/57 for 259 yards and 1 TD

- Johnny Depp QB, Shane Carden = 63/79 for 638 yards and 7 TDs

- Treyn = 35 carries for 200 yards and Mangus = 10 carries for 99 yards

- Johnny Depp RB and winner of the Awesome Name of the Game Award, Vintavious Cooper = 32 carries for 133 yards

- The Hokies = 55 points scored in two games = 1-1

- The Johnny Depps = 83 points scored in two games = 2-0

Are you scared yet?  I am.  We win on the running side and they win on the QB side (big surprise there), so based on who we've each played, I think we're about even.  And.  That.  Should.  Scare.  The.  Crap.  Out.  Of.  You.

One big plus?  We can see - if we can actually get the channel - what another network can manage to do to butcher a college football game.  I mean, come on... ESPN has perfected being inept.  I don't know if Fox can top them.  

So, enjoy the trek to Greenville if you are headed down south.  I'll enjoy listening on the radio, I'm sure.  Just be happy that we have a competitive game to watch.  That's good enough for me at this point.  Last game, we beat them by 7 points.  

Work on that short-term memory.

Love rice pudding, 

The B.S.C.

Rinse and Repeat

My attempts to operate heavy machinery were foiled.  I just can't help but listen when the Worldwide Loser in Sports attempts to "fairly cover" a "big" game.  To try to hide my interest in the game, I wore my old glasses so that everything was slightly fuzzy.  I'd say that idea was a big winner.  Everything looks better when it's fuzzy.

From my pre-kick-off notes:

- We are 20-point underdogs.
- Are there any Hokies in the stands?  (Who would want to go?)
- ESPN called it "daunting" for us.
- Beamer says this is the best team he's ever played.
- Alabama wins the toss.  Roll Tide.
- Why do we like to wear such ugly unis?  At some point, can we stop letting practically teenage boys pick out our uniforms?

And then... what we all wanted to hear...

- 6'6".  260.

Boy, was I pumped up after all that pre-game hype!  Gone are the days of Top 10 pre-season rankings.  Gone are the days of hope for The Giraffe.

Roll, Tide.  Roll.

And they rolled, and they rolled.  They rolled during punt returns and kick-off returns - really during anything that some of us used to get excited to watch, aka, "Beamerball".  But, you know what?  Alabama really looked pathetic during that game.  If anything, it seemed like they certainly won't be ranked #1 long.  Now, I've heard speculation that Alabama was merely trying to hide its O-scheme from the teams that really count.  I can buy that.  I prefer to believe that they just can't live up to the hype this year.  We lost , so I'm free to be a Hater.

My favorite thoughts:

- The Fullers are awesome.  I hope we have 3 more coming to prop up our D for the next decade.
- The Giraffe throwing on 3 & 1 - ahhh... it's like Stiney never left.  Oh WAIT!  He was right up there in the booth!  Did anyone else see that?
- The ESPN guy laughed uncontrollably at the comparison of The Giraffe to Cam Newton.
- Who would let their kids hold big foam fingers after... Miley?
- Per the booth, "What an awful effort by DJ Coles."
- Also per the booth, when we sacked the QB, he was "down for a loss".
- Edmunds.  Trey Edmunds.  Watching him and the Fullers may be the only things keeping me from dark places this season.
- Alabama (the SEC) playing us (the ACC), is like us playing JMU Northern VA Community College.
- OK, so maybe the Freshman walk-on Fullback, Sam Rogers, will be another reason to watch this season.
- Per the booth, "6'6", 250+"... apparently The Giraffe was wasting away throughout the game.
- 97 yards of O for Bama in the 1st half.
- Per the booth, The Giraffe "stumbled".  Or he was knocked down.... why doesn't ESPN like to admit it when a QB gets hit?  Maybe we should rank every team #1 so no one gets their feelings hurt.
- There were two #10's for Alabama.  Isn't that illegal or something?
- Did we not bring our band or cheerleaders?  Did absolutely no one from Blacksburg make the trip?
- Only 207 total O yards for Bama.
- If we put Leal in, can't we at least let him attempt one single throw?

Another.  Season.  Opening.  Loss.

... And... Clemson is ranked #8?!?!  So glad they don't grace our schedule this year.

As much as I am down on The Giraffe, no one can say that it was all his fault.  He threw multiple passes that could have been easily caught.  No one acted like they had ever caught a pass before.  Oh Danny Coale, where are you?  Boykin?  Anyone??

Our D looked pretty darn good.  Give 'em hell, Bud!  Enough said.

Alright, now that the game has been purged from my brain, it's time to say a few words regarding tomorrow's game.

First off, I will be attending this one, for no other reason than it's an acceptable maroon game.  I can't wait to drive down 81 butt-early tomorrow morning so that I can make a 1:30 kick-off.  It's truly the stuff dreams are made of.  I just hope that the new doughnut place I heard about is open after the game... or maybe El Rod.  Of course they'll be open.

Secondly, this is history, man.  HISTORY.  It's our first game against the mighty CATAMOUNTS of Western Carolina.  North or South?  Neither!

A Catamount is apparently a wild cat - like a cougar, or lynx, or puma, or mountain lion.  See below.

The U of Vermont actually uses this super-cool mascot name, too.  They don't have a football team, though, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Yeah, yeah... I know.  There's nothing wrong with a good made-up mascot name.  But come on, who ever decided that purple was a fierce color?

Since there is no history between us and the Mounted Cats in the prestigious Southern conference, I can't really use my imagination to come up with something interesting.  It's game two, but, so far as I'm concerned, it's game one.

Let's just enjoy the drive down, try not to get speeding tickets, and avoid the awful Sheetz restroom at the exit number I can't remember.  Going down to the beautiful New River Valley is always a treat, especially when wearing maroon is an acceptable practice.

I will enjoy it.  Hopefully you will enjoy it.  Let's just see what playing Northern VA Community College the Mounted Cats can do for our Offense.  Maybe someone will decide that they can catch.  I expect over 250 yards from Edmunds, who I know needs a nickname.  GIVE ME SOME TIME!

For those of you stuck with the Worldwide Loser, 1:30 is definitely late enough in the day to drink, even if you are at home... alone.

And, wear your glasses.

Love the smell of turkey legs in Lane,
The B.S.C.

P.S. Although my Miley comment RE: last week's game sits above, this atrocity sits on our website RIGHT NOW.