I come into this week with mixed emotions. Somehow, the Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A's are 2-0 this season, having already experienced two BYE weeks. They've beaten Delaware State, which, to be honest with you, I often forget to consider as a state, and... wait for it... Pitt. Yup. Not "YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP". Yup, as in, "Oh my gosh they beat the Couch-burners Jr. and we were horrible in that game and oh my gosh I'm going all the way to crappy FedEx to watch and oh my gosh, the last time we were there we followed up with a loss to JMU and OH MY GOSH!"
Dear Reader Jennifer,
I do not enjoy when you call me to tell me to watch a Thursday night game where one future opponent is beating another future opponent, especially when the one future opponent is killing the other future opponent. And, I especially do not enjoy watching us lose to the future opponent who got murdered. And now, as I go all the way to Landover tomorrow, all I can think of is your phone call and how we are facing the murderers. THE MURDERERS!
Thanks for ruining my tailgate,
The B.S.C.
The Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A's are in our old stomping ground - the Big East. They SEEM to have a decent offense, but to be fair, they have played both games at home at Nippert Stadium. Like so many opponents' stadiums, their stadium name is so sad that I kinda want to laugh. [Insert common NIP joke here.]
What exactly is a Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A? A "bearcat"... a mythical beast that doesn't actually exist. Most believe it to be a Red Panda. Awww. It's so cute!
And for some reason, it's paw print closely resembles the logo of a very tasty chicken biscuit breakfast chain. So it goes.
If we can't beat a panda, I don't know what to say on Monday. Giraffes are way cooler than pandas. Heck, turkeys are more bad-ass than pandas. A panda is a cuddly little teddy bear. How can we lose to a little cuddly stuffed animal?
I'll tell you how, Law & Order style:
Exhibit 1: Weaves
How in the world do you give us 6 days notice for a 3:30 kick-off? Blasted worldwide loser in sports! I know you have something to do with this, Weaves! You bring a game to my neck of the woods and you deprive me of the glory of a night game. We should all be pissed about this. I plan on saying, "Blasted 3:30 kick-off" as many times as possible tomorrow. Join with me as you tailgate. In fact, make a drinking game out of it. Every time someone says it, everyone has to drink.
Exhibit 2: Stiney
So yes, the Giraffe wanted to win last week. We looked OK, BUT, we weren't playing stuffed animals last week. Our horrendous play calling, which, somehow seems to pretty much span the past decade, will have to somehow find its way out of its butt in order to win this one. On the plus side, Tony Gregory will not be playing. I prefer Coleman, so I like this. It's just temporary. Unfortunately, we lose that great pitch play from last week by not playing him. Holmes and Coleman will have to step up.
Exhibit 3: Bud
Our D last week was average. We need better than average tomorrow. You know we stink when it comes to playing in big games, and this year, our D seems to be slightly bi-polar. Will the happy-go-lucky D who listens to Taylor Swift show up? Or, will it be the end-of-the-world D who listens to sad, sad Sarah McLachlan songs?
I think I'm just bi-polar about this one, too. Part of me thinks that we can shove it to the worldwide loser in sports and Weaves by blowing out this pansy Big East stuffed animal. And then, probably the bigger part of me, (the Sarah McLachlan part) thinks that this will be Boise State mixed with JMU, with a big Couch-burner Jr. cherry on top.
At least there should be 3-4 solid hours of drinking prior to the scariness.
So, that's all I have to say. Drink up, my friends. I'll be there. Will you? I won't be wearing orange. Will you?
As the worldwide loser of sports switched over to The Baby Blue Blankie game, I was blinded by the sun reflecting off the pastel blue that filled the little stadium. Man, that color really sucks for a football team. I'd take orange over a pastel any day. And, speaking of crappy uniforms, the ugliness of Maryland's helmets is officially, 100%, impacting their playing ability. They couldn't beat the Couch-burners, just this once? Ugh... What a disappointment.
So, with just 4 games under our belt, and a super scary 3:30 game coming up this Saturday, apparently we have bowl predictions.
Dear ESPN,
I realize that only USA Today has us ranked in the top 25. I also realize that Cincinnati is no Boise State. But give me a flippin' break. A 3:30 kick-off? That is nonsense. And bowl predictions? Seriously? Florida State has basically played one decent team - Clemson - and they are ranked #4. You don't think these rankings are going to change? Don't stick us in the Russell Athletic Bowl just yet, you idiots. You know Bud Foster doesn't want to go to a bowl that sounds like a jock strap.
Your stupidity amazes me,
The B.S.C.
With only 8 mentions of the Giraffe's height and weight, I think the worldwide loser in sports must have been napping on Saturday. Some of my favorite quotes of the day:
~ "... sloppy first series for Virginia Tech." (True, but OUCH.)
~ "Jerrr-ron Gouveia-Winslow" (False. LOOK AT THE PRONUNCIATION GUIDE IN THE GAME NOTES!!! How many times do I need to say this?)
~ Half of the players either went by "Jerrr-ron" or "Anton". (False. Somehow I find this unlikely.)
~ "CJ Coleman" (FALSE. They almost did that one twice.)
~ Boo-boo Gates is "the most versatile player in all of college football." (FALSE. What? Are they kidding?)
~ To wrap it all up, they showed a graphic with us having 21 points in the 1st quarter and 0 in the 2nd. (False. Stupidity on parade.)
If you have dyslexia, sorry. That must be really rough. But please, don't go work for ESPN as a graphics person or even an announcer, for that matter. Because, it makes me angry when things are said (or displayed) incorrectly. It's not like this is a group of high school kids doing this for free. I honestly can't believe these people get paid to do this. Obnoxious.
So it goes.
I don't like to see any players get hurt, but I was secretly (and openly) hoping that when Anthon Samuel went out in The Normals' first series that he wouldn't make it back in. But no, he came back. Luckily for us, Bud gave them some hell before the game and our D decided to show up. Oh, and thank you for missing your first field goal attempt, BG. That was super nice of you. There's nothing wrong with a shut-out, my friends, especially when your Offense is like a turtle. Were we trying to be like Maryland with our ugly helmets? Who knows when it comes to Stiney.
Let's use that thought to move right into a discussion on our Offense: Is it just me, or does the Giraffe actually look worse than last year? I don't know if it was the bowl loss, the loss of our big WRs, something in the off-season, or what, but what is the deal with him? Leave it to Stiney to actually make someone worse the longer he plays for us. Our offense is simply egregious. Bloody awful! Did you see the shot of Stiney lackadaisically drinking a Diet Coke up in the booth after we got a 1st down on a stupid Giraffe running play? Why were we running him so much on 1st down? And where the heck is Mike O'Cain??? There is never any mention of him. Who is REALLY calling the plays? It certainly seems like Stiney never stopped, so why even bother? Mike O'Cain is simply Stiney 2.0, so why not just give it back to Stiney? He has nothing better to do than to sip his soda throughout the game, like it's no big deal that our Offense sucks.
Why so much Tony Gregory? That pitch play is the only thing he does well. Coleman does awesome every time he's in, but they take him out and put Gregory in. Our first successful drive in about 2 games ended in Coleman's first career TD, actually, giving us the 7-0 lead. I'm going to have a coronary episode one of these days, and in my will, there will be strict orders to sue Stiney.
So, yes, the Giraffe had a TD to Roberts. 14-0. And he had that scary rushing TD that almost ended in a fumble. 21-0. Yes, yes, he was TRYING. He was trying to let the team know that he was in it to win it, and I do appreciate that. I felt bad for some of the little Normal linebackers who had to tackle him in the open field. The Giraffe was really putting a hurt on them. I'll let the INT slide just because The Normals got shut out.
Jarrett had an awesome game. He's really becoming one of my favorites. Holmes had a TD. He's pretty solid. I like the combo of him and Coleman. Even Scales got a TD. We were passing them out like candy on Saturday. What, you want to score a TD? Come on in, my friend. The Normals are just giving them away.
We missed an extra point. We had some extra-crappy punts. What is up with our kicking game? I blame Beamer for that. He never should have recruited a kicker. That should be an automatic walk-on spot for us, forever.
I don't know if it's just me, but there seem to be some horrendous calls by the Refs every single game. I feel like I'm watching a pro football game every Saturday. The call on Bonner (who, don't get me wrong, is pretty much on my poo list) for holding when the replay clearly showed him being "bowled" over by a BG player... was asinine. He was on the ground. Exactly what was he holding on to with his back on the grass?
Ahh... deep breath. I think I'm done with my ranting. I realize that I'm ranting a lot for a shut-out, but let's be clear - this should have been a shut-out. I know that we tend to seize up when there's a "supposed-to", and we didn't, which is positive. But, this game did not give me a warm and fuzzy feeling for our upcoming battle against the Chik-fil-a's. We put together some long drives and we scored. Our Defense was present. Let's just mark a "W" and move on, because nothing else matters until 3:30 on Saturday.
Before I let you go, did anyone see the little "U" mascots? That's the only thing I enjoyed from the worldwide loser in sports this weekend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... it's Friday night and I'm just now writing this all down. Give me a break, people! Are you excited for Bowling Green? Yeah, that's what I thought. Just calm down and try to relax. Weaves has a noon kick-off in store for us at home, with ugly camo helmets celebrating Military Appreciation Day, and tired students rolling out of bed at 11:45 too late to tailgate. It's his idea of a perfect game day.
Don't get me wrong - I have no problem with camo. Just... this camo looks weird. Couldn't we go a more traditional route? Don't worry. If you love it, you can own one for an opening bid of $600, or a jersey for $300. Yes, yes, my friends... college football is all about merchandising and auctions.
As I tried to prep for this week's game, I can't help but admit that I'm scared and, ....well... terrified. The looks from all my coworkers... and comments... and jokes..., oh, and little pieces of paper left on my desk with things like, "Who is relevant now?" on them... well, it's hard to handle. Is it time to head for my closet and rock back and forth? I don't know. I really don't know.
This is our 3rd meeting against the Falcons of Bowling Green. We lead the tremendous rivalry 2-0, with our last meeting being a LONG, long time ago in 1993. The Falcons are 1-2 in the Mid-American Conference, aka., the MAC, and are led by 4th-year BG head coach Dave Clawson.
At this point, I usually rename the mascot with something witty. This time, though, the name landed right in my lap: The Normals. This was actually the school's nickname until 1927. It's so very, very sad that I almost want to cry for them.
Dear Weaves,
Don't get any ideas from The Normals. We are not normal at Virginia Tech, even though your noon tailgates try to make us that way. We are special. Our mommies told us so.
Spitefully yours,
The B.S.C.
It's not even fair to make fun of a school like this, but for you, I will try. Freddie "the Frat" Falcon (I added the middle part) was introduced in 1950. Frieda Falcon, Freddie's much younger (and sometimes taller) wife was introduced in 1966. Here is the happy couple:
The Normals picked a really awesome color combination to represent their school - ORANGE (not burnt) and BROWN (yes, poo color). Surprising? Nope. Also not surprising is the fact that Doyt Perry Stadium only holds 24,000. It's like a Texas high school game. Quaint.
BG is near Toledo, Ohio... and Lake Erie, and it's only about 1.5 hours from Detroit.
Speaking of thug-life (OMG, is that an East Side or West Side reference? Please don't get offended, gangstas.), READ THIS about a little boy we once called the future of VT football. Yes, Marcus Vick.
Dear Giraffe,
If you don't kill The Normals and earn your hip-hop name sometime this season, you too may turn into Marcus Vick. Just sayin...
Love,
The B.S.C.
BG is also awfully close to Ontario. Land of Hosers. Why am I talking about Hosers AGAIN this week? There must be something wrong with me. Or our team. Or most likely, our Offensive Coordinator.
BG is also next to the Great Black Swamp. It's pretty nice.
I'd like to see a Dual Survival episode there.
Although The Normals consider Toledo to be their arch rival, we better watch our butts during this one, folks. Senior defensive tackle Chris Jones will be on the Giraffe like Spam on a Hawaiian all afternoon. Running back Anthon (yes, no "y") Samuel is the reigning MAC Freshman of the Year. The Normals have a decent QB in Junior Matt Schilz, but where they are really loaded is at WR. Some names you will hear tomorrow are Chris Gallon, Shaun Joplin, and Ryan Burbrink.
Jarrett received ACC Specialist of the week for his 94-yard punt return for a TD last week. Anything else notable about us from last week? Ummm... you were there, right? Or, you saw it. N-O-P-E.
On the plus, side, the marketing specialists at Capri Sun have done something AWESOMELY HILARIOUS.
So yeah, I don't know what else to say about this one. I'm terrified that this is a JMU repeat. I may never be able to go to work again. If our Defense can pretend to even show up, we MIGHT be OK. But I have no idea what the hell to expect after last week.
I am baffled.
I'm also baffled as to why they haven't announced the kick-off for the FedEx game. Are we really that cursed? I'm supposed to be taking the Alumni bus... when, you ask?? No flippin' idea! Why can't they set a time?? Because the game time hasn't been announced!!! I know Weaves has something to do with this somehow. I can hear him arguing with Danny Snyder about the benefits of a noon kick-off right now...
Say a prayer. Close your eyes. Hold your breath. This is just our football team right now.
Just in case you had better things to do on Saturday, I have transcribed my game notes here for you. I hope you had better things to do. I wish I had better things to do.
1st Series: Hello, Defense? Where are you? The Couch-burners Jr. made that look easy.
Our 1st Drive - The Giraffe decides to throw to Marcus Davis, who is surrounded by 4 defenders. Bad, bad decision.
Our 2nd Drive - Oh Offense, where are YOU? What the heck is the offensive line doing? There are 3-4 guys on top of the Giraffe on every play.
Can we even attempt to stop their running game?
So, now the Couch-burners Jr. have their first turnover, first lead, and longest pass of the season. 14-0. We have the goose egg.
The worldwide loser of sports announcer states a novel idea: The Giraffe needs to be a factor in the game. Wow, ESPN. You all really need to be paying that guy bonus money for that thought.
[Note to self: start tracking how many time they mention the Giraffe's height or weight.]
The Giraffe throws his second INT. WHO was that to???
Our guys manage to lose a helmet on two consecutive drives. This game is cursed.
Turnover #3. The Couch-burners Jr. get the ball back. 21-0. 13:03 left in the 2nd quarter.
And finally, we get a field goal. I will attempt to control my excitement.
James Gayle is a beast. The Couch-burners Jr. are forced to punt at the 15-yard line.
The Giraffe takes half of the Defensive-line with him for an 11-yard gain. If I wasn't so angry at the INT's, I'd give him props.
Oh wait, 3rd INT.
Kick is no good. Half-time. Thank God. Give 'em hell, Bud!
94-yard punt return for a TD by Jarrett. The longest punt return for a TD in Beamer's career. Wow, maybe we can get back into this game. Vandyke, #37, took out 2 defenders with an awesome block. We might be ready to play now.
Good news - our Defense has shown up.
The Giraffe just fell on Wang and hurt him. A loser in sports called the Giraffe "PLUS SIZE". Seriously? I mean, seriously?
4th down and a half yard - why give it to Holmes? Asinine.
Horrible penalty called on Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce Taylor for tackling Tino. Idiot call.
G-Dub forces a fumble, but the Couch-burners Jr. recover it. Figures.
TD, Couch-burners Jr.
85-yard pass to Marcus Davis. TD Hokies. 28-17.
4th Quarter
INT Exum! Tino is now hurt.
Rushel Shell is a beast. He is killing our Defense.
Bonner, #8, is having a horrendous game.
The Couch-burners Jr. go for it on 4th and 3, complete a pass with an injured QB, and get a 1st down.
Offsides penalty on Field Goal. Wonderful. Now it's first and goal at the 4 and 1/2 yard line. TD Couch-burners Jr.
17-35
1st Couch-burner Jr. win of the season. They have beat us now 4 times in a row.
The End.
It was painful and nauseating, AND embarrassing, and everything in between. This game was supposed to be rainbows and butterflies, but for some reason we decided not to show up, on either side of the ball. Bud let me down. By half-time he should have had a strategy to stop their running game - and he didn't. Stiney let me down, like always. But, you know, I'm sure even HE didn't think that the Giraffe would have so many interceptions.
The Giraffe was a Plus Size failure. What is wrong with him? He is playing with ZERO confidence. We could lose a lot of games, my friends. A lot.
So many things went horribly wrong that I can't even begin to discuss them in a civilized fashion. At least we had the trifecta of losing this weekend by adding in the Nats and the Redskins. And yes, Josh Morgan probably lost the game for the Redskins with that stupid stunt. But I can't blame him. The Rams were getting away with all sorts of trash, and when the guy pushed him, it was the last straw. Man, the officiating was horrible in that game!
USC lost to Stanford. And, oh yeah, we have officially dropped from the rankings. We deserve it.
In a way, I'm almost glad. Our horrendous loss of the season is over. Maybe we can look decent for the rest of the season now. For some reason, we seem to need something like this every season to kick our butt in gear.
So, that's it for my rant today. What else can be said?
Love trying to avoid my coworkers (not really),
The B.S.C.
P.S. I counted 8 mentions of the Giraffe's height and/or weight once I started to count. It's like David Wilson's car all over again.
The Couch-burners, sometimes called WVU, hate Pitt. It is the truth. Do they hate us more? Maybe. But the fact of the matter is that they hate both of us. The Couch-burners hate that we have more class than them, even though we could practically spit on WV from our little slice of Heaven. They hate Pitt because - well, I guess Pitt is a lot like them. PA and WV are practically the same state, as much as PA doesn't want to admit it. So, the question is, do we hate Pitt because they are like the Couch-burners, or do we love them because the Couch-burners hate them?
It's a tough question to answer, I admit it. Starting next year, the Jr.Couch-burners will be joining us in the Coastal division of the ACC. Syracuse will be joining the ACC in the Atlantic Division. So, starting next year, we will be playing the Jr. Couch-burners every single year, and, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm kinda glad. We SHOULD be playing the ORIGINAL (Sr.) Couch-burners every year as an out-of-conference rivalry. They are in the top 10, and well, I hate them. But, it would make us a much better team to play them every year - much like playing Miami sucks, but it feels so good when we win. Instead, we play teams like Austin Peay and ECU and Duke... oh wait, I guess we can't avoid that last one. Someone let them into the ACC. Regardless, playing the Jr. Couch-burners on a regular basis is a good thing.
BUT, in my opinion we have no choice but to hate them. Much like I hate Notre Dame fans and the idea of them coming into the ACC - well, kinda, sorta, half-way, but not technically for football - in 2014. Either be in a conference or don't be in a conference. Seriously! None of their fans, much like Miami, ever WENT TO THE SCHOOL. I DETEST that. ABHOR IT! It appears that the non-conference football team will be playing 5 ACC games a year. I'm betting Weaves is the one who came up with this brilliant idea. I can't wait to beat them and listen to the excuses at work...
But back to the Jr. Couch-burners - they have won 9 National Championships. They play at Heinz Field, home of the Steelers (barf), which only holds 65,050. Who knew? Lane Stadium holds 66,233. So, those two little tidbits, plus the fact that they are so close to being the Original Couch-burners that we'll barely be able to tell the difference... means, yes, HATING them in fine. Encouraged. Applauded.
They apparently hate themselves:
If you can't make that out, it says, "I SACKED TINO SUNSERI TOO". That's their QB. That's sad.
Yep, that's Tino on his back.
I could go on and on.
The panthers are really having a tough year so far. They are 0-2, losing to Youngstown State and Cincinnati. When we beat them tomorrow, it will be their first 0-3 start since 2005. Why such a bad season? This is head coach Paul Chryst's first year as head coach. He came from Wisconsin, so he has some promise. Their defense is just horrible - young and inexperienced. Their lead rusher, Ray Graham, averages just 87 yards/game. And even though Tino is 6th all-time in passing yards at the school of Jr. Couch-burners, you can see from above how well he is liked. I'm reminded of... Sean Glennon...but even we weren't that mean to Glennon.
The Jr. Couch-burners hail just 3 miles from downtown Pittsburgh. They were the college football home of players like Russ Grimm (who must have loved it so much he had his son come to VT), Tony Dorsett, Dan Marino, and Mike Ditka. So, should we fear the OLD GOLD and blue?
HAHAHAHA. Of course not! If the Giraffe can't get something going this game, then fire Stiney. I mean it. This is a game to boost our egos and pad our stats. We lead the series 7-4, and yes, they've upset us before, but this is not the year for that, my friends. We haven't played this form of OLD GOLD since 2003, and, I think they've missed us. We are coming into this #13 in the polls (and yes, the AP poll and the USA Today poll agree with each other, which is unsettling). Would I rather be playing the top 10 Sr. Couch-burners? Yeah. But, that would make me very, very scared. We can beat this team in Stiney's sleep.
On a side note, the Pitt Promise obviously doesn't go far. Read THIS from this Spring. Hilarious! What if he had choked on the plastic bag and passed out? That would have made me pee my pants. Like this almost did...
The cat in the background near the end is my favorite part. And the chow mix.
So, that's about all I have to say for tonight. This is the kind of game that dream stats are made of. The Giraffe should be so excited that he can't sleep. Be positive for this one, folks. It's going to be fun! Can someone earn his hip-hop name? Maybe...
Love a college play-off, but having only 4 teams is asinine,
The B.S.C.
P.S.
What self-respecting school would take a picture of this and post it?
Maybe I was hearing an EVP on the fuzzy Madden 1988 reception via ESPN3 on Saturday, but I could have sworn that one of the announcers was introduced as a "former Marshall quarterback". Umm... what game were we watching? Exactly where did Marshall come into play? This, like our Offensive line at times, baffles me.
Dear ESPN,
Hey! The B.S.C. here. It's been a while since we've chatted, and I just thought that you would appreciate some good feedback so far on the season. Well, thanks for putting a top 15 team on Al Gore's amazing Internet. That was pretty awesome, thanks. I especially like the use of old Marshall QBs as announcers. You know, I bet Druckenmiller would like the gig. Or maybe Bryan Randall. Or, I don't know... Bruce Smith? Can you maybe find one successful Hokie to cover... THE HOKIES??? Just a thought. You know, on another note, does your college football reporting center around a Hoser? I mean, I can't take Jesse Palmer seriously. Any man, or woman for that matter, who has been through a rose ceremony should not be allowed to talk about football. Period.
Always a hater,
The B.S.C.
Speaking of hosers...
Funny, yes. Football commentators, eh? No.
Another comment that spewed across Al Gore's amazing Internet was the phrase: "one of the best in college football." Were they talking about Beamer? Nope. Stiney? Hahahaha. Bud Foster? Should have been. The Giraffe? Yes. I mean, come on people! I love me some Giraffe, I really do. Has he earned his hip hop name yet? No. Can he do it this season? Absolutely. Is he one of the best right now? Umm... I think we should refer to an expert for this. Jesse?? Jesse Palmer? Where are you?
Ohh, there you are! Nevermind.
So we fumbled on our first play... which, was pretty ironic. I just compared poor Coleman to David Wilson, and then he shared the same fate as poor David Wilson (minus the crying, I hope). Then our first TD came thanks to a great return by Kyshoen Jarrett. And then, I fell asleep. Seriously? We can't do any better against the Associated Press?
When I woke up from my slumber, there were ramblings of Beamerball on the fuzzy screen. Beamerball... Beamerball... should this ring a bell? What is this, Beamerball?
Oh yeah. That's what we are supposed to be all about, right, even though I don't even feel like looking up when our last blocked kick was. Remember the good old days when Keion Carpenter would block like 2 kicks every game? That was Beamerball. Now I cringe when I hear it. We're more likely to rough the kicker than to actually block a kick. But, OK, I'll drink the kool-aid again if Beamer can do it about 6 more times this season. And, props to Tony Gregory for coming off his injury to be the bad-a$$ who blocked the punt.
Holmes scored 2 TDs, which is reassuring. I think we are in store for a decent running season, between him and little DW. That is, of course, assuming that the O-line can do something simple: block well enough to let a Giraffe fall forward on 4th and 1 and get a first down. Since they can't consistently do that, I may not be that reassured.
So, somehow beating the Guv'nahs moved us up to 13 in the polls. This is not a warm and fuzzy place. I'm starting to get scared.
Dear Weaves,
I noticed the other day that the big cup I brought home from the Gah game has fireworks on it. I'm all for the constant fireworks, though, I have always felt that the cannon was enough. BUT, I think THESE particular fireworks look a little ODD. They better not be THE fireworks that I'm thinking of. If they ARE, you should be fired. Like a basketball coach. Like something Donald Trump would say. If they AREN'T THE fireworks in question, then, well, why such a stupid cup? Give me a player. A coach. The Hokie Bird. I will cherish my Danny Coale cup forever. Give me something else to cherish.
No love,
The B.S.C.
That's pretty much it for this week. Madden/Al Gore didn't give me too much to discuss. I guess I'm keeping the FedEx tickets for now. This season scares me. Does it scare you? It should.
Love my 22 Hokie t-shirts and 6 hoodies hanging in my closet,
Well, DJ Coles is out for the season. The Giraffe was... the Giraffe, and earned no hip-hop honors on Monday night. And, last but not least, we ALMOST lost our season opener. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah. Tailgating for 8 hours is bad. BAD. BAD. BAD.
Evil genius Jim Weaver knew that if he gave us a ridiculously long tailgate to start the season, we would most definitely hate a certain form of alcohol for the rest of the season and then just sip on iced teas and lemonades for the remainder of our noon kick-offs. Blasted Weaver. Blasted John Dalys. You know what, Weaver? I'm drinking one right NOW! Didn't expect that, did ya?
AND, as for your hideous orange effect... YES, I did spend a good hour or two shopping downtown for an orange shirt. AND yes, I bought one. BUT, it came with a second FREE orange shirt, so TAKE THAT, Weaver! And, OH BY THE WAY, I bought 4 other shirts while I was at it. And none of THOSE were orange. So, shove it, Weaves! Your plan didn't work. Next year I'll have TWO orange shirts to choose from... so who won this round, eh? Uh huh... that's what I thought.
Tailgating is fun in moderation, kids. 8 full hours is not recommended. The B.S.C. urges you to drink responsibly, especially when we might lose, because losing and drinking don't mix well. Almost losing and drinking don't mix well, either.
I haven't had that much alcohol since college... not my finest moment. So it goes.
JACK TYLER was the ACC Linebacker of the week, and Cody Journell was the ACC Specialist of the week.
That's it. Those are our game highlights.
Just kidding... almost. You know who I liked? Coleman. Reminds me of poor David Wilson, but without the crying. Sorry, David. Holmes looked decent, and so did Marcus Davis. On D, G-Dub was awesome, along with JACK TYLER. The "spread" option wasn't so spread out on Monday night, now was it? Now if only we could score some points...
Looking on to tomorrow, we are playing our first game against Tha Guv'nahs [insert British accent here]. This game is so right up Weaver's alley that it is only broadcast online. Whoop-dee-do. I love not being able to figure out what's going on. It's like the original version of Madden.
There's talk out there that we could score 70 points. I doubt it. We are a little banged up from the Gahs. I feel bad for Tha Guv'nahs. Their logo is awful. It's what AP tests would use if they were trying to be cool. And, to fit in with the British theme, they give red coats to their Hall of Fame - called The Red Coat Society.
I can't make fun of a school like this. So instead, I'll revisit a favorite from last week:
I love him. I truly do.
So that's it, kids. I'm out of energy this week. Short week, too much work, too little recovery time. And, I don't want to waste anything too witty on some British kids - they wouldn't get it anyway. I'm sure my next post will just be awesome after watching Madden 1988 for three hours. Thanks, Weaves!
Two-a-weeks shall resume this upcoming week. Scout's honor. But hey, I'm not just throwing away the game tomorrow. It is important for The Giraffe to get some swagger back. I think Stiney beat it out of him in the off-season. If he can get it back, the season isn't a complete loss. If we don't score close to 70... then I may sell my FedEx tickets.
I hate FedEx. The stadium, that is. Good job, mail carriers.
Love 47 Brand, my new t-shirts of choice,
The B.S.C.
P.S. MAYBE, just maybe, the Madden game tomorrow is due to our embarrassment with the White Effect helmets. Magnets do not make good helmets. And why is reading so discriminatory? What's up with that, Herma? Can't everyone learn to read? Geez. I will be wearing maroon, from home. Take that, Weaves!
Oh my, oh my, boys and girls! We are back for yet another season of the roller coaster that IS Hokie football. I'm not talking about The Intimidator at Kings Dominion, where you pass out at the bottom of the big drop for half a second (which, you know, is not really cool, if you think about it). I'm talking about something similar to The Grizzly... we kinda know what to expect - the ups, the downs, the headaches. But will the coaster break? Maybe one day. Do we want to be on it when it does? Nope. And thus you know my feelings for the season this year. BUT, don't think I'm all negative nancy on the season. I'm not. I am actually that really annoying friend who thinks that every year is THE YEAR we're going to fill that case with a National Championship trophy. But hey, I have to prepare myself for the worst while secretly hoping for the best. Even the national champion could lose a game.
Let's not waste too much time speaking of my bi-polar-ness with this upcoming season.
Let's watch this:
I picked this video for multiple reasons:
1. Thank God that we aren't playing a top 10 school to start the season. I know that this really must have brought pain to Weaver because we all know his evil plan to ruin our season (and thus, tailgating) within the very first game.
2. Thank God we don't have this ugly uniform to look forward to.
3. I miss Tyrod. Do you miss Tyrod?
4. Losing the first game of the season sucks.
Here's the reality of this game: the winner will most likely go on to represent the Coastal Division at the ACC Championship game. What, or WHO, is important for us?
Yep, that man. Or boy. Man. Boy. Man-boy. I am really getting old. The success of our entire season rides on The Giraffe. Is he going to be The Second-half Giraffe this year? I hope not. I hope by next column I can call him LT, not only because it sounds like a hip-hop artist, but because he earned it. I know I said it before, but I'm going to say it again - Stop hating on the man-boy. Hate on Stiney. Stiney is the enemy.
The only other scary thing this season for me is the fact that we only have 4 seniors on our Defensive roster. Wow. I will toast one to that before the game tomorrow. Don't be concerned about our RB status. Yes, we killed the Gahs last year because David Wilson was a BEAST and ruined them, but we are never a RB school. I mean, yes, in the past few years Stiney has somehow managed to make us look like we can actually recruit for that position. But, let's face it: VT is all about the D. And I love it. Look for Michael Holmes to start for us at RB, with possible sightings of JC Coleman and Martin Scales. Tony Gregory is returning from a second surgery to repair an ACL injury, so ignore him... for now.
Mr. Coale and Mr. Boykin, though sadly missed, will be replaced by Dyrell Roberts, DJ Coles, Marcus Davis and Corey Fuller. No problems in that area. I promise.
And - maybe the coolest thing about this season - BRUUUUUUUUUUCE Smith, the original BRUUUUUUUUUUCE, has a son playing for us: Alston Smith. He's a freshman. Not sure if we'll see him this season or not, but that's pretty darn neat.
Dear BRUUUUUUUUUUCE,
I am super-excited that your son will be putting on a Hokie jersey this year. I am sure you are ecstatic as well. But, as a man who heard his name yelled by adoring fans throughout his career, why give your son a name like "Alston"? This is a little mean. I can't yell "ALLLLLLLLLL-STONNNNNNNNNNNNN". It simply doesn't roll off the tongue. I hope you just lost out on the naming to your wife, who probably didn't want your son to grow up and play football. If this was your idea, then... well, I might weep a little tonight.
Wondering why your kid has such a UVA name,
The B.S.C.
ALERT: The worldwide loser in sports will be broadcasting this fine Monday night game. Look for the Gah's signature "Jazz hands" on third downs.
Speaking of jazz hands...
Clap burst. Enough said.
We come into this game leading the Gahs 6-3. We are ranked 16 (nice and cozy), while the Gahs are not ranked. Period. Let's not forget the importance of winning against the Gahs, though. We should be able to crush them and their I-don't-know-what-play-to-call-but-we're-gonna-call-it-the-option-and-ESPN-will-think-it's-cool offense. I know we only have 4 seniors on D, but really, we have Bud. Give 'em hell, Bud!
Ahh... I was so nice to say that.
The importance of beating this nasty-a$$ Atlanta team is all because of the man, the myth... the legend:
Dear Al,
Oh, Al, I've missed you! What's that, Al? You're telling your players to use jazz hands only when appropriate? That is some good coaching down there in Atlanta, Al! I am so excited to see you in person tomorrow night! Please wear a sweatshirt! The forecast calls for 69 and t-storms, so you will need it, Al. And, you know, if it's not tucked in, it just isn't presentable. Just keep that in mind.
Love your sense of sideline style,
The B.S.C.
If The Giraffe can make Al look stupid, he will earn his hip-hop name. That can't be all that hard. I mean, come on... it just CANNOT be hard.
I've made fun of the Old Gold before. I've made fun of the Ramblin' Wreck and Buzz...I won't submit you to hearing about those again. Unless you want to, and in that case, read this and this. But really, what kind of school talks about tailgate parties for away games, and leaves us out? Clemson and MD? That's it? I understand Clemson, but the land of the ugly flag? What gives?
Our only concern is that QB Tevin Washington is pretty solid, and well, we're only returning 4 seniors on D (did I mention that already?). Bud. Bud. Bud. Bud. Bud. Bud.
Whew! I can go off on so many tangents for game one that it's exhausting. So yeah, I'm excited. Do I have to pay someone to watch my kids for 24 hours so that they can get to school on Tuesday? Absolutely. Do I have to stay in Roanoke because I never book early enough? Absolutely? Will Heaven probably open up and produce Lee Corso-style torrential rain? Most likely. Will the trip down 81 be worth it? Yes. Yes indeed.
Exit 118B,
I have missed you, old friend. Are you lonely in the off-season? I'm sorry about that. Look for my Hokie tags tomorrow, and know that I'm glad to see you, too. You are the best exit ever. Please don't get more complicated. I worry every year that you won't be the same and I won't be able to find Blacksburg. Please, please... stay just as you are.
Smooches,
The B.S.C.
I will leave you with this: Weaver wasn't completely silent when it comes to the season-opener. Orange effect. Seriously??? Orange effect on the first flippin' game of the season? I don't have an orange shirt to wear, so shove it, Weaver. I'm wearing our good color. Now, if I happen to find a decent burnt orange t-shirt somewhere downtown, I might be inclined to buy it. So is he an evil genius? Maybe. Blasted orange.
Enjoy your tailgate, my friends. I will enjoy mine. 8:00 games are what Lane Stadium is all about.
