The Insanity Plea

I see how this is going to be.  I say, "let's lose".  And we win.  Yep.  Awesome.

What is wrong with us?  I mean, seriously, what is wrong with us??  We are CELEBRATING the fact that we were down by 20 points to DUKE and then managed to come back and win.  Really?  Is that something that should be celebrated???  If I were Beamer, I'd be so disgusted at this point that I wouldn't even show up for games or practices anymore.  I'd hand the team over to Stiney and tell him that the rest of the season was all on him.  Then again, if I were Beamer, we wouldn't be 4-3 at this point in the season.

I refuse to post more than once a week until we resemble a football team again.  So, from here on out, you get only get one a week unless Beamer can get his act together.

Why so much hating on Beamer this week?  I can't handle the "celebration" over the win against The Goatees.  It's like being the first team to set a record for sucking the most.  Being down to a basketball school 20 to nothing is not something for the record books.  Yet Beamer claims that this was a "great win" for us.  Oh really?  Is this how we measure success now?  Is that why we set off fireworks last year when we lost to Clemson?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.  Beamer.  Stiney.  Foster.  Weaves.

If The Goatees looked like Alabama for the first 12 minutes of the game last week, then expect Alabama full force for 60 minutes of painfulness this week.  Dabo Swinney is from 'Bama, remember?  And, oh yeah... he crushed us not once, but TWICE last year.  This game is going to hurt.

I met a former Tech football player last week who told me something interesting.  Just as I had started to believe that perhaps Beamer is the problem, he told me about his experience during practice... and HOW IT STILL IS down there in Blacksburg.  He said that guys would tell him to "calm down" and "take it easy" during practice, and the coaches never pushed the issue.  WOW.

I had been secretly hoping that I wasn't right about the way our program seemed to be operating this season, but that says a lot.  I'm actually pretty depressed by this.  So it goes.

When I say we're going to lose this week, I mean that we're going to lose.  I don't mean that we'll set a school record for sucking and then not sucking so much in one game, I mean that Tajh Boyd is going to destroy our D.  Where did you go, Bud?  Where's the fury?  Where are the neck and jaw muscles?  Boyd is going to put a hurting on our D like we haven't seen yet this year.

Our Center, Miller, is out for the season after sustaining an ankle injury during The Goatee game.  This is not good news for us on offense.  Picture an inexperienced Center standing in front of The Giraffe (with a glazed look in his eyes) - his head peaking above all the other mammals on the O-line, and his gaze fixed at a team that is ranked #14 in the nation, in Death Valley... all while listening to a former Clemson grad whisper plays in his helmet.  This game is going to make me hurl.  I just know it.

I almost have the notion that this game would be close in Lane Stadium if it was a Thursday night.  But sorry, folks, this one is right where Weaves wants it to be.  Poor, Clemson, they don't deserve our crappy noon kick-off.  I kinda feel sorry for them.  AND OH MY GOSH!  We get to actually watch this one on television!  Sweet!

Ahh, it's the little things that keep me going these days.  I am officially declaring our football program mentally incompetent.  That's my defense, and I'm sticking to it.

Just for giggles... I missed the jazz hands... poor, poor jazz hands.

Well, that's all for tonight.  Maybe I'm the unstable one.  Every time I hear Enter Sandman I feel confused and ashamed.  This year is bloody awful, as my high school English teach would say.  Pretty darn EGREGIOUS.  I don't know what else to talk about.  Tiger Rag?  The goofy costumes?  The "best entrance in college football"?  HA!

Let's just get this over with.

Love making quotation marks with my fingers,
The B.S.C.

It's So Sad to Lose In Maroon

Normal schools would welcome Homecoming weekend with open arms.  It's the time to tailgate and meet up with old friends.  It's the time to judge how much weight those friends have gained and make comments to your spouse about it.  It's time to wear your school colors and just relax - because, hey, you're gonna win this one.  Your Athletic Director has made sure of it.  Ahhhh... Homecoming.  Princesses, Princes, a Queen and a King.  Homecoming.

Unfortunately for us, we aren't a normal school right now.  If there was an award for "The Most Over-rated Pre-season Team to Fail The Most Miserably by October", we'd win it.  Hands down.

Weaves has finally allowed us to wear maroon to a game.  How nice of him.  He also managed to get a 12:30 kick-off.  Woohoo!  Way to go there, Weaves!  That is just SO MUCH time to tailgate for a Homecoming game!  I can barely stand it.  Seriously - I CAN BARELY STAND IT.  Oh, and did I mention that we're going to lose?  Yeah... I'm pretty sure we're going to lose.

It isn't Weaves' fault.  I mean, Austin Peay would have been nicer for a Homecoming opponent... but how would he know The Goatees would look like Alabama to us right now in the season?  There's no way he could have known.  I don't think anyone could have guessed it.

Direct TV re-established our TV service on Sunday.  Thanks, Direct TV.  You saved me the pain of returning from VA Beach just to watch a taped game of us... losing.  I'm sorry, but does anyone else have a problem with that?  We are a team that loses 1... maybe 2 games per year.  3 is simply unbearable.  At 3 I start refusing to admit that we even have a football team.  I know some of you aren't going to like this, but, darn-it, I hope we lose every single game the rest of the season.

First off, for those of you still trying to recover from the BBL loss - this game is for YOU!  If we lose to Duke, the comments should subside.  Just tell those BBL fans, "Hey, we just lost to Duke.  Everyone can beat us this year, so SHOVE IT!"

Secondly, why the crap not?  Why not lose every single game?  Heck, I'll take my "Sucks to be U" shirt and put an "s" on it... so that it reads, "Us".  I have no shame.  Bring it on, Weaves!  We'd have noon kick-offs the remainder of the season if we didn't have those Thursday night games on the schedule.  I bet the worldwide loser in sports is kicking itself for those.  HAHAHAHAHA!  I laugh at you, ESPN!  That's what you get for saying "VAH Tech".  Shove it!

OK, so I seem to be saying things like "shove it" and "crap" a lot.  Maybe I have a little bit of anger and resentment at this point in the season.  But, geez, who wouldn't?  We're about to lose to The Goatees.  Stiney has ruined yet another young man/potential QB, Beamer just must not care, and Bud... well, what the heck is going on with Bud?

Dear Bud,
You know I love you, man. But what the heck has happened to you?  Where's the veins popping out of your neck?  Where's the vicious jaw muscles chewing something into a pulp?  It feels like I never see that anymore.  Who has the lunch box?  Who actually TRIES in practice?  What the heck is going on every halftime and every week during practice and ... well, every week during the game?  We don't look like a team that you coach.  We look like UVA.  We look like... puke.  (Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little)  What is the deal?  Don't you ever want to get back to the big game?  You know that it all rides on you.  Stiney is never going to get us there... it's YOU.  What's wrong, Bud?  WHAT IS WRONG???

Distraught in NoVA,
The B.S.C.

If we can manage the feat of losing the rest of the season, something's gotta give.  Beamer will have to re-evaluate what is going on.  If he doesn't, then it will be apparent that he's turned into JoePa.  He must not care about that trophy box... he must just be too cozy with the great gig he's got in Blacksburg.

I certainly hope that I'm wrong about the latter.  But, at this point, I think we need to just BE UVA - SUCK as much as we can - and then see if anything comes of it.

I'm sorry I don't have any game break-down from the BBLs.  I'm sorry I don't have anything interesting to say about 12:30 tomorrow.  The Goatees are 5-1 so far this season, and I'm betting that they will turn our day of Maroon glory into 6-1.

It's will be a cold, cold day in Blacksburg tomorrow.  My heart will be cold.  My butt, though, will be warm at home, on my IKEA couch.  I hope your butt will stay as toasty as mine.

Sigh... take a few shots... start making tally marks for every time they say 6'6" and/or 260.  I don't know.  Make it a drinking game.  All I know is that I'll watch and maybe, just maybe, get an ulcer.

Love that at least the Nats can take my mind off football,
The B.S.C.

Thank You, Direct TV

Losing to the Baby Blue Lambs (BBLs) would pretty much signal the end of our season.  A lot of you, like Reader Jennifer, may see this as the most important game of the season.  Being so close to North Carolina in Blacksburg means that there’s a good chance that you either know someone, or have a family member, who is a big BBL fan. 

If this is the case.  I’m sorry.  So, so sorry.  If we can’t beat a basketball school, you won’t hear the end of it for possibly an entire year.  Your friend/spouse/other family member will remind you of things you’ve said to him/her FOREVER… things like:

“I went to a FOOTBALL school.”

“What?  UNC has a football team?”

“Wow… that color is so…masculine.”

Last time we played the BBLs we were ranked #8 in the nation.  Wow.  I can’t even remember those days.  If you read the last pre-game BBL post, I sounded all peppy and optimistic.  I was all “Thursday night football!  Woooo!” and “The Giraffe is getting so confident!  Woooooo!” and “Look at all my pre-game research!  Wooooo!”

This is a much different season.  I am most definitely a different B.S.C. 

I don’t know what to really tell you about this one, folks.  I’m on my way to Virginia Beach, one of our finest recruiting grounds, right now to meet a bunch of Realtors tomorrow.  Yes, work on a Saturday.  Not quite like Thursday night football, is it?  So, I will not be watching tomorrow.  I may even have to pass on a Monday-ish game update.  Why can’t I DVR it, you say? 

Dear Direct TV,

We used to watch shows, you know, like football games, and our DVR would freeze during key moments.  The picture would freeze, the sound would freeze, and we’d just have to wait patiently for 2-5 minutes for it to come back.  That was pretty annoying I’d say.  So, we finally decided that we’d had enough of it, and called you out to Casa de B.S.C. on Tuesday.  Your fine technician, though very professional and nice enough to sport booties, could not locate the issue and simply replaced the DVR and readjusted the satellite (which, oh by the way, you connected to my siding about 3 feet off the ground – genius!).  Mr. Technician left while the new DVR was updating, and said all would be fine.  Oh no… all was not fine.  Tuesday night Mr. and Mrs. B.S.C. sit down to enjoy some quality television, and now something even more exciting happens!  The picture freezes, but the sound continues (somewhat like listening to the radio, I suppose).  Though you may perceive this as an improvement, Direct TV, this goes on for ohhhh…. 15-30 minutes.  It actually goes on so long that the next morning I turned on the TV, and THE SAME PICTURE from Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen is still on the TV.  RIDICULOUS!  Meanwhile, we get technician #2 to come out Wednesday.  He thinks he is brilliant and messes with some cables, and declares that the problem has been solved.  Again, like Technician #1, he leaves before the TV is actually running again.  He says, “just call if you have a problem”.  Frozen.  TV.  Again.  WORSE.  THAN.  BEFORE.  And, funny enough, Mr. Technician #2 doesn’t call back (though he drove back, parked in front of our house for about 10 minutes, and then left again without calling or coming in.  Yes, I’m not making this up.)  So, angrily the situation gets escalated, because the “scheduler” says that Technician #2 has no time to see us Thursday morning.  Excellent customer service.  Did I mention that we have 3 children with no functioning television?  So, the “supervisor” proclaims Thursday that our case is now special, and we have been assigned a case manager.  You know what that gets us?  Technician #3 on SUNDAY afternoon. 

You know, Direct TV, this is quite the “special” experience.  When my flippin’ contract is up, I’ll remember all this fun.  We were forced to get a kitten off of Craigslist due to the boredom of no TV.  I will send you my bills for de-worming, shots, and neutering shortly.  New kitty’s name is Shawn, by the way.  

Your best customer,

The B.S.C.

So, feel free to direct your no-new-post Monday hatred towards Direct TV.  Not Realtors. 

I would say I’m sorry for this nonsense post, but we all know that there’s not much to say here.  We SHOULD beat the BBLs.  But, we SHOULD have beaten Pitt and Cincinnati.  We have to get back to very basic Virginia Tech football concepts in order to win: play defense, pretend to play offense, and have a QB who acts like he wants to be there.

This seems to be a tall order for us this year, my friends. 

Enjoy the early kick-off thanks to Weaves.  He doesn’t even want us to drink away our sorrows - that’s how evil he is. 

Love me some Realtors,

The B.S.C.

Why Can't We Have Taylor Swift?

And, as Denise Austin would say... "breathe in.  Exhale out.  Breathe in again.  Exhale out.  One last time, breathe in.  And exhale out.  Now doesn't that feel better?"

Doesn't that feel better?

No.

This is why we, meaning Beamer and Stiney, should NOT recruit a player who wants to be a tight end and turn him into a QB.  Who is going to say no to us?  At least in VA?  "Hey you, you're really tall.  You can come be the quarterback in Lane Stadium and play on a nationally ranked team!  How does that sound?"

You want to know how that sounds?  Asinine.

I don't know what to sound off on first.  OBVIOUSLY, it's taken me some extra time to even approach the subject.  Here are the 5 things that bothered me most about Saturday:

1.  The Alumni bus.  I really liked the Alumni bus.  See here:

It was a good mix of ages.  The driver was nice.  The fried chicken and sides were delicious.  BUT... and this is a HUGE BUT, some idiot Alumni invited their two Fighting Red Panda Chik-fil-A friends on the bus.  I mean, are you serious?  I'm not the jerk in the stands who mocks the opposition on every play (but I saw you, whoever you are, in Section 454).  I think Hokies Respect is just some nonsense Weaves put up to ruin tailgating... somehow.  But, I do not want to sit on an ALUMNI bus with people from the other side.  I could have just hitchhiked or taken public transportation if I wanted to sit awkwardly on a bus for a couple hours.  AND, what Fighting Red Panda Chik-fil-A fans would want to ride on a bus with a bunch of Tech people?  I am simply baffled by the madness.  They weren't jerks about it after the game, but, regardless... I still hated them, and those who brought them.  Enough said.

2.  FedEx.  I hate that stadium.  I hate the endless ramps that only incline at like 2-degrees.  I had good seats, right on the 50-yard line on the upper level, but that place is just ugly.  It has no character.  And, yes, it was empty.  And, now, I know why.  I'm just not as smart as everyone else.  I know in the back of my head that the place is cursed, but for some reason I chose to ignore it.  Not again, my friends, not again.  Go ahead, Weaves, book another one for FedEx!  I bet you'll have a hard time getting 10,000 people in the stands next time, regardless of how many times you put it on LivingSocial.

3.  The parking (FedEx, part II).  So, I guess last time they didn't even have a bus lot.  Genius!  This year, in order to avoid that debacle, they opened up an itty bitty bus lot, and then... wait for it... didn't really bother to park people or control it.  So, hey, if you want to park your bus and then take up 5 spots tailgating, NO PROBLEM!  That is, until a crap-load of buses start to show up and the attendants start to pee their pants and drive around on golf carts beeping, try to get people to move their entire tailgates.  Nice planning, FedEx.  Then again, maybe it was the WEDDING taking up so much room.  Hmmm....

4. Our playing.  Running the Giraffe on 1st down is completely stupid.  Our entire play book is pretty stupid, in fact.  Not that this is a surprise to anyone.  This is getting ridiculous.  I should be excited when we get the ball, and instead, I cringe.  The major problem, though, is that I also cringe on defense now.  What is going on, Bud???  We didn't lose THAT many people on D.  Where is G-Dub?  If Stiney continues to suck (no surprise) and Bud can't get it going, my only conclusion can possibly be that Beamer's time is done.  Maybe we can't afford to have him hang around until he gets a National Championship.  It seems to me that he may be the reason we can't get one.  Loyalty is not all it's cracked up to be.  I'll give him the rest of this season to prove he's not going to be like JoePa and run our program into the ground.

5.  You.  Maybe you were smart and stayed at home for this one.  Or, maybe you were an idiot like me and make the trek into Landover.  If you happen to be one of those idiots, let me ask you this: did you stand up during the game?  You know... stand up, on two feet?  Or a foot and a peg leg, or two peg legs?  You know that thing you do in Lane Stadium the whole game that makes Lane one of the best home-team venues in all of college football?  My guess is that you didn't stand at all.  Maybe you were embarrassed because no one else in your section was standing.  Or, maybe you are a lazy sack of you-know-what.  All I know is that I was embarrassed to sit near the Red Panda fans, who stood up most of the game. Our cheering sucked.  Our team spirit sucked.  Let's face it - we helped them lose.

What else is there really to say at this point in the week?  Hump Day sucks.  Our football team sucks.  We may be headed for a UVA-esque bowl game, and you know what, we should hang our heads in shame at that.

I'm going to go lock myself in my closet and listen to Sarah McLachlan until my next post.  If we lose this weekend, I may have to start looking for another sport to support.

Love my Hater-rade this week,
The B.S.C.