I am SO glad that we finally cruised through a game. It was so stress-free and heart-warming. Didn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? We came out and established that we were going to dominate, and dominate we did. Wasn't it nice? Playing a sub-standard team is just downright pleasant.
Oh wait.
That isn't what happened, is it?
I was snuggled up on my couch, ready for some massive offense, when what happened? Somehow, Second-half Giraffe showed up in the first half. It was magical. Snow was falling on pumpkins, and The Giraffe came out to play in the first half! But then, even as the snow kept falling, First-half Giraffe appeared, stinking up the second half. We were actually leading at half-time. Stiney does his best to avoid this, and usually succeeds. But, were you comfortable at half-time? I wasn't. The heart palpitations were starting and I wished that I had never heard of safety Matt Daniels.
Dear Mike O'Cain,
I understand that Stiney is your boss. He controls the offense. But seriously, how many times do we need to talk about having The Giraffe keep the ball on third and short? Even the announcers were talking about how he can fall forward for over 2 yards! How many times will we run Wilson to the outside on these plays, only to look stupid by the huge loss of yards? Man up, O'Cain! Call your own plays! Stiney is killing us. KILLING US. If Bud Foster ever has a heart attack, we can blame it solely on Stiney. Please stop the madness. That is all I am asking for. Please.
I don't blame First-half Giraffe for the madness, I really don't. I blame Stiney and O'Cain. They call the stupidest plays at the stupidest times. It boggles my mind that Stiney is paid to be a collegiate offensive coordinator. I'm pretty sure we could hire a former Maryland coach (hint, hint) who would not only keep downtown eateries in business, but would make our offense look respectable. Just a thought. Beamer's loyalty has to end somewhere if we ever want to get back to a national championship game.
Some good things came out of the horror. Hosley was back in. Per the announcers, he is "some kind of player." Oh really? What kind is that? Seriously, someone needs to pay me to come up with one-liners for the announcers. This duo liked to say that one player "tattooed" the other on big hits. Boring. The best thing they said all day was that there was a "sleepy atmosphere at Wallace Wade". HA! Just what a college wants to hear about a home game against a ranked opponent. Another glorious line was that we are ranked 12th in "some polls." SOME polls? Just the BCS, thanks. The one that actually matters.
Wallace Wade was seriously sleepy. You would think that they were the ones serving turkey legs during games. They should hand out little pillows at the door. Pink ones would have been nice for Cancer-awareness. There was plenty of room to spread out and take a little nap during the game. I was embarrassed for The Goatees, really. They play at a "multi-purpose" stadium. It has a track. My high school football stadium looked just like theirs. There were probably more people at a Friday night Broad Run High School football game than there were at that stadium Saturday. And what if we didn't travel so well? That place would have been totally empty. They even showed a clip of the basketball court during the game. How low can you go?
Gayle was also back in, which helped us. Whitley got another INT. Did you see Danny Coale on the reverse?? He's awesome. I would like to start a petition for him to play on every down. He can run, he can kick, he can catch... there is nothing the man can't do. I look forward to starting him on my fantasy football team next year.
We were killed by bad play calling, horrendous penalties, and awful officiating. Did you see the fumble that Fuller picked up, but the Refs called the play dead so he didn't even get a chance to return it? We could have had the ball another 40 yards down the field! Ugh. It was painful. I did kinda enjoy one of The Giraffe's interceptions. He made a bad-ass tackle on the guy (I forget who, probably Daniels). He leaped at him, wrapped his arms around him, and drove him out of bounds. Once again, the fact that we have a QB who will do that is excellent, but when he gets hurt doing it one day, I'll say that it was always stupid.
For those of you also riding the couch, did you catch the little clip about The Goatees touching the "Duke Stone"? The stupid announcers didn't even say that we do the same thing; they compared it to Clemson. They acted like it was so unique... they got the stone from a local quarry. Glad they are so hip on ACC traditions that they don't even realize that The Goatees stole that from US. Idiots.
So, yes, Daniels pretty much single-handedly killed us. He's a beast. Between our penalties and lack of Beamerball, we almost lost this one. We should have lost it. The Goatees were in it to win it, and well, Stiney was napping somewhere in the bleachers. Where did Beamerball go? Since when does Virginia Tech have crappy kickers? When is the last time we even tried to block a kick? It's baffling. It's sad. I may need to have a drink and ponder all this... again.
So, right now, we're that smart, ugly kid in high school. No one wants to date us, but everyone wants to be our lab partner. Until we lose the weight, get Proactiv, and start wearing contacts, we're never going to get to a national championship game. Vick put us on the Homecoming Court. Right now, we're lucky if we're cool enough to hang out with the Drama kids. At some point, we have to put together 4 full quarters of football, on both sides of the ball. Until we do that, we will suffer through games like this one over and over and over again.
What is extremely frightening is that we are now coming up against a Georgia Tech team that beat Clemson. If that isn't scary enough to carry you through Halloween, I don't know what is. Be scared. Very, very scared.
Love pumpkins and lab partners,
The B.S.C.
P.S. At least we aren't the Redskins...shut out in Hoser-land. Sad. Very, very sad.
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