Who IS Baldwin, Jr.?

What I really want to know is, who IS Baldwin, Jr.?

He exists.  I'm telling you, Boston College, in all its snooty-privateness, says that he is an official mascot.  Yet, I cannot locate a picture of him anywhere.  I'm talking Google, the college website, YouTube... you name it, I've searched for him on it.  I found this hilarious article about Baldwin Jr, but that is it.  Zilch.  Nada.  Let me go ahead and clarify for you who the heck Baldwin, Jr. supposedly is.  He IS an official mascot of Boston College.  He is 9'6" tall, and he's inflatable.  Apparently, he does stunts.  His more popular, father, I guess you would say, is Baldwin the Eagle, the other official mascot of BC.  He's the one you always see.  If it weren't for the school's insistence that this is an official mascot, I would think it's all a hoax.  Think: the yeti, Big Foot, the Monster of Loch Ness.  You know, anything Josh Gates would investigate on Destination Truth.  But, I know that BC doesn't have that much of a sense of humor.  So where is he?  Why isn't there a picture of him or a video?  He's 9'6", for God's sake.  He jumps on his head.  Yet no one has a picture of it?  This is a conspiracy!

I can't make too much fun of Baldwin, Sr.  I love bad-ass birds as mascots.  And yes, my tattoo is healing quite well, thank you.  But something inflatable?  That is comic genius!  I NEED to find him.  Please, please... if you can locate anything, report it on the comments section for me.  I'll take foot molds, grainy pictures in the dark, EVPs, EMFs, and untraceable hairs.  Anything!  But since we have to settle for plain old Baldwin, Sr., I have a simple request.  Please contact BC for a Mascot Appearance Request and ask how much it would cost to get Baldwin, Jr. at an appearance.  That's right.  Tell them that Sr. sucks big eagle eggs and you want Jr. to appear at your nephew's bar mitzvah or your cousin's wedding.  If you can do that for me, we can all be friends.  Thanks.

Now, I also need to point out here that back in the good old days, pre-PETA, BC had real bald eagle named... wait for it... Herpy.  The name came from a student who said that since a remedy for hair loss at the time was called "herpicide", "Herpy" would be a good name for a bald eagle. And thus, the name stuck.  Funny, though, that the poor eagle hated his life so much that he inflicted self-harm and eventually wound up at a zoo.  I, being the kind-hearted animal lover that I am, would like to honor the former BC mascot by now referring to BC as the Herpys.  I am so thoughtful, I know.

On a side note, how did Baldwin, Jr. get so tall?  His father, Sr., is only 6'6"?  Is he the love child of a giraffe and Sr.?  Is he related to our Giraffe???  Scary.  Also, if you think your mascot is so bad-ass, why would you create a taller one in the first place?

By the way, my official favorite Baldwin is Stephen.

So here we are.  Homecoming in Lane Stadium.  It's going to be low-60s and sunny.  What does that mean?  Heaven.  If you are going down, I'm jealous.  I'll be sitting this one out on the couch again.  If you are going to be riding sofa with me, don't worry, I have plans for you.  Just wait.

So, the Herpys come into to this game in last place in the Atlantic Division.  We are in second in the Coastal behind Georgia Tech.  Right off the bat, we have to recognize that the Herpys suck because their colors are maroon and gold.  Maroon looks awful with anything other than burnt orange.  Enough said.  Their record is 1-5, being 0-3 in the ACC.  This is the 20th match-up between the Herpys and the Hokies. We lead the series 13-6.

The Herpys consider us an official rival per the Herpy website.  Along with us, they list Miami, Clemson, and Notre Dame.  I didn't realize we were really rivals... but hey, if that means they are scared of us, I'll take it.

The Herpys start sophomore QB Chase Rettig, who is nothing special.  I'm kinda confused as to who is starting at RB.  Sorry.  Apparently I need to follow the Herpys more; I tend to keep my distance from them for, you know, sanitary reasons.  Their star RB, Montel Harris, hurt his knee. I'm assuming he's out because the team asked the NCAA for medical hardship waivers for him and senior defensive tackle, Kaleb Ramsey, on October 9th.  Harris' back-up, Andre Williams, is also out (I think).  It appears that they are trying to fill in Harris' shoes with Rolandan Finch, aka, "Deuce", and Tahj Kimble.  "Deuce" is just too easy.  I'm not even gonna go there.  The receivers to watch will be Bobby Swigert and Chris Pantale.  Their best player is All-American linebacker Luke Kuechly.  Look for him to pressure us constantly and rack up a lot of tackles.  We'll have to see what offensive line shows up for us this week.  Let's hope it isn't the one from the first quarter of the Wake game.  Our only other worries on D are linebacker Kevin Pierre-Louis and defensive back Jim Noel.

The Herpys are led by Frank Spaziani, aka, "Spaz".  He's in his third season as head coach of the Herpys.  He's been their Defensive Coordinator since 1999.  SpazUVA - 4 years as the D-backs coach and 5 as the D-Coordinator.  Why does everyone link to UVA?  Did he also tuck his sweatshirt into his khakis as a child?  The Spaz also graduated from Penn State, where he was a star (so they say) D-end and began his coaching career as a graduate assistant under Gramps.  So many people have worked with or played for Gramps that I've lost track.  I'm going to stop paying attention to Penn State... oh wait!  I did that a decade ago!

The Spaz has quite the line-up after us: Maryland, Florida State, NC State (home of brother Glennon), Notre Dame, and Miami.  It is certainly possible for them to lose each and every one of these games.  It must hurt to be a Herpy.

We are ranked #12 on the BCS and #16 on the AP.  Go Hokies! Wilson is currently 5th in the nation in rushing, averaging 129 yards per game.  Boykin is now tied for 4th all-time TDs with Josh Morgan with 16.  I think he can pass Morgan tomorrow, no problem.  Are you excited for Homecoming?  You should be!  This is the stuff that makes our stats look good.  No ulcers tomorrow.  Or strokes.

As promised, I have come up with a simple little drinking game for those of you riding the couch with me.  Cheers!

They show a clip of Flutie's Hail Mary.  Drink 5.
They mention Flutie's Hail Mary.  Drink 2.
They talk about Matt Ryan.  Drink 1.
They talk about Beamerball.  Drink 6.
They show the lunch pail.  Drink 3.
They say "Spaz".  Drink 2.
They talk about Vick.  Drink 4.
They say the Giraffe is 6'6".  Drink 10.
They call the Giraffe the Big "L".  Drink 3.
They show a graphic of the tallest QBs in college football.  Just finish your drink.
They say something stupid.  Drink 1.  (We don't need you to get alcohol poisoning.)

So there it is... Homecoming against the Herpys.  Wash your hands.  Put on some ointment or something.  Just make sure you're ready to watch the Giraffe create some magic.  I'm feeling it today.  The tattoo says that good things are to come.

Love [imaginary] inflatable mascots,
The B.S.C.