Let's just go ahead and put this out there: the Duke Blue Devil looks like the love child of Howie Mandel (whose best work by far is from this) and Honest Abe. Maybe it's just the goatee, I don't know, but I certainly think there's something odd going on down there in Durham. But, as with all mascots, I feel the need to exploit this. In an effort to do that, I'm just going to call them The Goatees. I couldn't think of anything more interesting; the mascot kinda makes me sleepy. So The Goatees will just have to do. Before we move on, why does he wear a mask? What is The Goatee afraid off? Maybe lice in his beard? The embarrassing headband he is forced to wear? I feel bad for him, really. He's like a lame super-hero with no powers other than a basketball team with a knack for losing big games.
I always thought that a goatee was a circle beard, and apparently many people have this confusion. They call the circle beard a goatee here. I found this confusion all over the Internet. Darn it, Al Gore! You need to keep this stuff in check! A proper goatee is below, not to be confused with the circle beard. I know, circle beard sounds stupid. But hey, it is what it is.
Doesn't The Goatee just scream MANLY to you? It says, "I'm too studly for a soul patch, and I'm too hard-core for a circle beard." Maybe The Goatee does MMA or something like that. We can at least rule out football as his sport of choice.
I love Goatee fans. They hate themselves and they hate their school. See, UVA fans don't realize how ridiculous they are; but, The Goatees know it! They know they go to a preppy school with an over-rated basketball program (in recent years) and a football program that exists, well, pretty much because of the basketball program. If you google "Duke fans" (trust me, "The Goatees" won't do it), you'll find articles on basketball. That's it. A couple hilarious ones are truthaboutduke.com, within which I would definitely search on the term "Coach K", and http://firecoachk.ning.com/. Unfortunately, that last site seems to be having some technical difficulties. Last time I looked at it, there was a clock calculating how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds it has been since their last trip to the big game.
You are probably thinking that I am being harsh on such a great basketball program, and well, I am. It's easy to make fun of them when we, well, we don't even come close to competing with them on the court. I'd be more than happy to blog about our basketball team during the season, but someone would have to convince me that I won't fall asleep first. You know I'm prone to doing that.
If you google "Duke football fan", you'll get something like this confession of a fan that actually seems to have gotten a little prematurely excited about Coach Cutcliffe. The Goatees hate their team. They are just like us in the '80s, so I feel for them. Unfortunately, we're going to kick their ass.
The Goatees come into this early-ass Saturday game 3-4 (1-2 in the ACC). They are 4th in the Coastal division; we, of course, sit on top. The game will be played at cute little Wallace Wade Stadium in Durham. It seats 33,491 at full capacity, and well, that doesn't really happen very often. That is like leaving the student side of Lane Stadium open. It's going to sound like a golf tournament in comparison to Enter Sandman. Expect large numbers of Hokies to be there to fill up the stands. If you need to set your alarm to wake up for a 12:30 kick-off, then I hate you. You were probably born in the '90s, and that makes me feel old.
Coach Cutcliffe is in his 4th season as head coach of The Goatees. He graduated from Bama in '76 and his claim to fame is mentoring both Manning brothers as a QB coach. His record at Duke is 15-28. He was an assistant coach at Tennessee and a head coach at Ole Miss before this grand job came along. I can only make fun of the fact that he has a grandson named "Shivers". Other than that, he reminds me of an early Beamer, so I'll leave grandpa alone.
The Goatees tend to control the clock on offense, which should be interesting with all of our injuries on D. They also seem to play multiple QBs, which makes me dream that maybe one day they are hoping to steal Stiney away so that he can personally execute a multiple-QB system in Durham. Sean Renfree is 6'5" (nearing Giraffe height) and has an excellent completion percentage. They also play QB Anthony Boone. From their site and game notes, I can't see why one plays over the other, so I guess it's like Tyrod and Sean Glennon (try not to puke). I'm sure their "fans" love that system. It seems to be working really well for them [insert sarcasm here].
RBs Desmond Scott, Juwan Thompson, and Jay Hollingsworth round out their offensive attack, as well as WRs Conner Vernon and Donovan Varner. We can call them the "V"s. The "V"s are actually pretty decent. Their other WR, Jamison Crowder, is also the kick-off returner, and is 4th in the ACC with his return average. Senior Safety Matt Daniels is pretty much the only highlight on their D. He is 3rd in the ACC in tackles.
Let's just lead this one from the start, shall we? A reader sent me this picture of The Giraffe from DisneyWorld this past week. I guess he needed some R&R. Let's hope second-half Giraffe starts the game tomorrow.
I expect total world domination this Saturday. A couple top 10 teams are bound to fall, so let's kick the snot out of The Goatees, make them want to shave, and move up to #10. Sound like a plan? Excellent!
If you are making the drive, have fun. I will once again be riding this one out on the couch. Just remember that the BooHoos beat the U---nimpressive bunch last night. That makes me giggle. Poor Miami. I think I'll wear my "Sucks to be U" shirt tomorrow just for the BooHoos.
We've won the last 10 against The Goatees. Let's keep it rolling.
Love Bobby's mom,
The B.S.C.
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