Orphaned and Un-cool

As I try to say, "Russell Athletic Bowl", I kinda throw up a little in my mouth.  A 5:30 kick-off makes me even more nauseous.  Why come back with a new post now, you ask?  I don't know.  I guess I want to punish myself.

I know, I know.  I abandoned you.  It's been a month and a half since I have been able to sit and force myself to think about our "team".  Why can't tailgatefever come back, you ask?  Why would they?  This is a tough job.  Kudos to the people that blog regularly and consistently.  For The B.S.C., life gets busy sometimes.  And well, when we suck, it's hard to force myself to try to explain all the reasons we suck.  So yes, I'm sorry for abandoning you like bad salami.  Like old prosciutto.  Like our ability to call a reasonable game on Offense.

I just couldn't make myself channel the pain.

We're all orphans, really.  Why did our team abandon us?  What happened in the off-season this summer that made the Giraffe so egregious?

The biggest question, though, is what is going to happen after tonight.  Or, should I say, this afternoon?  You know what I say to a 5:30 kick-off?  H-A-N-G-O-V-E-R.  I don't WANT to have one, but come on... how am I supposed to avoid one?  Can YOU watch this chaos without an alcoholic beverage?  Enough said.

So after we lose this afternoon, where do we go from here?  It sounds like the beginning of a great rock ballad (preferably sung by Terry McDermott).

Take that, Cassadee Pope.

Does Stiney get the heave-ho?  What about Bud?  Will he leave to be the big man at another school?  Does Beamer step down?  Or... as always, will we stay the same?  But hey, the Worldwide Loser in Sports says that our consistency on our coaching staff is our greatest asset.  Awesome.  Because, I personally think that filling that empty glass case that's waiting for a National Championship trophy would be our greatest asset.  Silly me.  Silly, silly Tech fan.

If you think I'm over-reacting, please just keep in mind that our ferocious BIG EAST opponent has a better record than us - 9-3.  The Scarlett Knights wear the big red "R" of shame on their unis.  "R" for Ridiculous.  "R" for Russell?  I don't know.  I was pretty flippin' confused about it when they announced our great bowl nomination.  The Russell Athletic bowl against... Russell Athletics?  Have they not named another team yet?  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I get it.  Rutgers.  I forgot they had a football team.

So many people have been complaining about how stupid bowl games have become.  I agree.  It's a chance to make a little advertising money and sell some t-shirts, I suppose.  As a fan, I would rather watch my latest Christmas present of Indiana Jones on Blu-Ray than this game.  But, as always, I'll watch... and cringe... and cover my eyes.

The players get a bunch of swag - some give it away - and they go to Disney, and they joke around like they are in the NFL.  Is that the point of a bowl game?  I think it's sad.  As my favorite Ginger said last year - all this junk pre-game is "R" for Ridiculous.  Leave it for after the game.  Or, leave it out completely.  OR... better yet, throw out these junky bowl games.

As The B.S.C.'s spouse put it (and I paraphrase):
In high school, everyone wanted Champion sweatshirts and stuff.  Russell was the crappy brand that only the un-cool kids would wear.

Well said, dear spouse.  Well said.

We're in the nerd bowl... the un-cool bowl.  And, we are so pitiful that we are going to lose to a Big East team.

I can't wait for that trick play this afternoon.  We all know it's coming.  In every important game, we try something asinine that miserably fails.  I'm not talking about the fake punt to G-Dub that worked so nicely at the end of the season.  I'm talking about a fake field goal or some sort of flea-flicker that will inevitably turn the ball over and cost us the game.

I think I'm going to go cry now.

So, prepare yourself.  I recommend hummus, naan, Irish cheese and salted meats.  And, depending on your tastes, something fruity or non-fruity, or even straight up shots.  Just have enough to get you through the afternoon.

I think we should wear the big "R" of shame on our jerseys for all of next season if we lose.  And, I hope we do.  If we don't, I fear the same ol' nonsense next season.  Of course, even if we miraculously get the Giraffe from last season this afternoon, and pull out a W, I still fear the same nonsense.

Insanity anyone?

Love John Dalys with Tenure,
The B.S.C.

A Bad, Bad Dream

Are we done losing to Florida schools yet?  I can't handle this.  My eyes are still closed as I type this.  Should I become a basketball fan?  Hockey?  I don't know.  All I know is that the thought of even trying to watch us on the ACC Network this weekend is painful.

I had all these notes prepared from the Miami game.  But... nothing wanted to come out last week.  I'm almost ashamed at this point to even be bothering with anything related to our football team.  And then, to top things off, we ALMOST beat FSU.  ALMOST!!  How can that happen?  We have looked horrible to so many teams this year, yet somehow manage to ALMOST beat a top 10 team...

I'm sure you all know that we need to win out the season to be bowl eligible.  You all know my stance on this: LOSE.  LOSE OUT.  CHANGE THINGS.  It's as simple as that.  If we lose out, will we set another record?  An 8-loss season?  Quite a turn of events, my friends, from the last 10 years or so.

I thought this year we'd be in the top 10 easily all season.  The Giraffe would be exponentially better than last year... the D would be more polished and poised... but no, somehow we managed to ruin yet another QB.  We turned him into... and I cringe to say it... Sean Glennon.  And now look at us?

Dear Beamer, Stiney, Weaves, and Bud,
How does it feel to be UVA, boys?  Does it feel good to be staring 8 losses in the face?  How well is that TV money rolling in this season, Weaves?  How much you want to bet we may not even have a Thursday night game next season?  So, who is going to leave when we crap out the rest of the season?  Even if we don't, and there's a miracle, and we manage to win two more and go to the Scrubbing Bubbles Bowl that takes place at 9am on a Wednesday morning, who is leaving?  One of you HAS TO LEAVE.  You all understand that the issue with the program right now is in the TOXIC COMBINATION of the four of you.  If you don't have the fire anymore, Beamer, RETIRE!  Don't drag us into Penn State territory by letting our program fade into obscurity for another decade.  You know, we aren't as stupid as they are up there.  Hokies actually require a football program in order to buy tickets and watch games.  We aren't going to follow you into the crap-hole you're taking us into.  And Bud, are you done, too?  I'm feeling like you have been bipolar this year.  I don't know what to think of you.  Oh, and Stiney, you should easily be the first to leave.  Go coach some high school or tiny little college program.  Just, please, leave us in peace.

Love-less,
The B.S.C.

So here we are about to play a team that I really enjoy making fun of... and it's just not in me.  12:30 kick-off + the ACC Network + all the losses... I'm just...just sad.

Please feel free to vent your frustrations in the comments below.  I know I would.  And sorry to depress you, but I'm still waiting to wake up and find that it's August and the season is about to start.

Man, it sucks to be UVA.

Love the thought that the season is almost over,
The B.S.C.

Better Late Than Never?

I know, I know!  The game is going to start in about an hour!  GEESH!  You try to write a blog post every week!  You can blame Sandy on this one, friends, because I didn't have power for 2 days.  TWO VERY LONG DAYS.

Brief synopsis of Clemson:
- Entering to balloons is not fierce.  Maybe Christian Siriano fierce.  Or, 5-year-old birthday fierce.  Not college football fierce.

- I hate the stupid "oh oh oh ohhh" techno song.  We play it sometimes, too, in Lane Stadium.  Entering to it is lame... like balloons.
- Death Valley?  Kinda cool.
- 2 sacks in the first series?  Where did this come from, Mr. Foster?  Did you finally give them "the hell"?
- Simply touching a QB's leg does not qualify as actually stopping a QB's forward progress.  Just a thought... or was this a touch-football game and I missed the memo?
- Mike O'Cain: Why in the world do you call a running play on 2nd & 15?
- The Giraffe ran WAY, WAY, WAY too much.
- Run.  Run.  Pass.  Punt.  Run.  Run.  Pass.  Punt.  Does this sounds like a winning game strategy?  Remember the whole insanity thing... just sayin'...
- Beamer: Please refrain from your stupid trick plays during regular season play.  We expect those to kill us in BOWL games.  Save it for those.  We aren't going to even GET to a bowl game this year with all this nonsense.

OK, OK.  So it was a heartbreaker.  At some point Tajh Boyd was going to start scoring.  Even though for some reason we had Defense... our Offense just couldn't deliver.  How many times can I say how horrendous our play-calling is?  HOW.  MANY.  TIMES???

I hate the U.  Hate them.  If this was a home game, I'd be a lil' more excited.  As it is, I'm pretty much preparing myself for alcohol and horrendous plays.  Even though the U has been nothing special this year, they are always going to play well against us.  They are one of our best rivalries.  I know, it's sad.

So, again, my apologies from northern VA.  The power loss and game loss and sanity loss has led to a very late post pre-game.

I don't know what else to say.

Love the ABC store,
The B.S.C.

The Insanity Plea

I see how this is going to be.  I say, "let's lose".  And we win.  Yep.  Awesome.

What is wrong with us?  I mean, seriously, what is wrong with us??  We are CELEBRATING the fact that we were down by 20 points to DUKE and then managed to come back and win.  Really?  Is that something that should be celebrated???  If I were Beamer, I'd be so disgusted at this point that I wouldn't even show up for games or practices anymore.  I'd hand the team over to Stiney and tell him that the rest of the season was all on him.  Then again, if I were Beamer, we wouldn't be 4-3 at this point in the season.

I refuse to post more than once a week until we resemble a football team again.  So, from here on out, you get only get one a week unless Beamer can get his act together.

Why so much hating on Beamer this week?  I can't handle the "celebration" over the win against The Goatees.  It's like being the first team to set a record for sucking the most.  Being down to a basketball school 20 to nothing is not something for the record books.  Yet Beamer claims that this was a "great win" for us.  Oh really?  Is this how we measure success now?  Is that why we set off fireworks last year when we lost to Clemson?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.  Beamer.  Stiney.  Foster.  Weaves.

If The Goatees looked like Alabama for the first 12 minutes of the game last week, then expect Alabama full force for 60 minutes of painfulness this week.  Dabo Swinney is from 'Bama, remember?  And, oh yeah... he crushed us not once, but TWICE last year.  This game is going to hurt.

I met a former Tech football player last week who told me something interesting.  Just as I had started to believe that perhaps Beamer is the problem, he told me about his experience during practice... and HOW IT STILL IS down there in Blacksburg.  He said that guys would tell him to "calm down" and "take it easy" during practice, and the coaches never pushed the issue.  WOW.

I had been secretly hoping that I wasn't right about the way our program seemed to be operating this season, but that says a lot.  I'm actually pretty depressed by this.  So it goes.

When I say we're going to lose this week, I mean that we're going to lose.  I don't mean that we'll set a school record for sucking and then not sucking so much in one game, I mean that Tajh Boyd is going to destroy our D.  Where did you go, Bud?  Where's the fury?  Where are the neck and jaw muscles?  Boyd is going to put a hurting on our D like we haven't seen yet this year.

Our Center, Miller, is out for the season after sustaining an ankle injury during The Goatee game.  This is not good news for us on offense.  Picture an inexperienced Center standing in front of The Giraffe (with a glazed look in his eyes) - his head peaking above all the other mammals on the O-line, and his gaze fixed at a team that is ranked #14 in the nation, in Death Valley... all while listening to a former Clemson grad whisper plays in his helmet.  This game is going to make me hurl.  I just know it.

I almost have the notion that this game would be close in Lane Stadium if it was a Thursday night.  But sorry, folks, this one is right where Weaves wants it to be.  Poor, Clemson, they don't deserve our crappy noon kick-off.  I kinda feel sorry for them.  AND OH MY GOSH!  We get to actually watch this one on television!  Sweet!

Ahh, it's the little things that keep me going these days.  I am officially declaring our football program mentally incompetent.  That's my defense, and I'm sticking to it.

Just for giggles... I missed the jazz hands... poor, poor jazz hands.

Well, that's all for tonight.  Maybe I'm the unstable one.  Every time I hear Enter Sandman I feel confused and ashamed.  This year is bloody awful, as my high school English teach would say.  Pretty darn EGREGIOUS.  I don't know what else to talk about.  Tiger Rag?  The goofy costumes?  The "best entrance in college football"?  HA!

Let's just get this over with.

Love making quotation marks with my fingers,
The B.S.C.

It's So Sad to Lose In Maroon

Normal schools would welcome Homecoming weekend with open arms.  It's the time to tailgate and meet up with old friends.  It's the time to judge how much weight those friends have gained and make comments to your spouse about it.  It's time to wear your school colors and just relax - because, hey, you're gonna win this one.  Your Athletic Director has made sure of it.  Ahhhh... Homecoming.  Princesses, Princes, a Queen and a King.  Homecoming.

Unfortunately for us, we aren't a normal school right now.  If there was an award for "The Most Over-rated Pre-season Team to Fail The Most Miserably by October", we'd win it.  Hands down.

Weaves has finally allowed us to wear maroon to a game.  How nice of him.  He also managed to get a 12:30 kick-off.  Woohoo!  Way to go there, Weaves!  That is just SO MUCH time to tailgate for a Homecoming game!  I can barely stand it.  Seriously - I CAN BARELY STAND IT.  Oh, and did I mention that we're going to lose?  Yeah... I'm pretty sure we're going to lose.

It isn't Weaves' fault.  I mean, Austin Peay would have been nicer for a Homecoming opponent... but how would he know The Goatees would look like Alabama to us right now in the season?  There's no way he could have known.  I don't think anyone could have guessed it.

Direct TV re-established our TV service on Sunday.  Thanks, Direct TV.  You saved me the pain of returning from VA Beach just to watch a taped game of us... losing.  I'm sorry, but does anyone else have a problem with that?  We are a team that loses 1... maybe 2 games per year.  3 is simply unbearable.  At 3 I start refusing to admit that we even have a football team.  I know some of you aren't going to like this, but, darn-it, I hope we lose every single game the rest of the season.

First off, for those of you still trying to recover from the BBL loss - this game is for YOU!  If we lose to Duke, the comments should subside.  Just tell those BBL fans, "Hey, we just lost to Duke.  Everyone can beat us this year, so SHOVE IT!"

Secondly, why the crap not?  Why not lose every single game?  Heck, I'll take my "Sucks to be U" shirt and put an "s" on it... so that it reads, "Us".  I have no shame.  Bring it on, Weaves!  We'd have noon kick-offs the remainder of the season if we didn't have those Thursday night games on the schedule.  I bet the worldwide loser in sports is kicking itself for those.  HAHAHAHAHA!  I laugh at you, ESPN!  That's what you get for saying "VAH Tech".  Shove it!

OK, so I seem to be saying things like "shove it" and "crap" a lot.  Maybe I have a little bit of anger and resentment at this point in the season.  But, geez, who wouldn't?  We're about to lose to The Goatees.  Stiney has ruined yet another young man/potential QB, Beamer just must not care, and Bud... well, what the heck is going on with Bud?

Dear Bud,
You know I love you, man. But what the heck has happened to you?  Where's the veins popping out of your neck?  Where's the vicious jaw muscles chewing something into a pulp?  It feels like I never see that anymore.  Who has the lunch box?  Who actually TRIES in practice?  What the heck is going on every halftime and every week during practice and ... well, every week during the game?  We don't look like a team that you coach.  We look like UVA.  We look like... puke.  (Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little)  What is the deal?  Don't you ever want to get back to the big game?  You know that it all rides on you.  Stiney is never going to get us there... it's YOU.  What's wrong, Bud?  WHAT IS WRONG???

Distraught in NoVA,
The B.S.C.

If we can manage the feat of losing the rest of the season, something's gotta give.  Beamer will have to re-evaluate what is going on.  If he doesn't, then it will be apparent that he's turned into JoePa.  He must not care about that trophy box... he must just be too cozy with the great gig he's got in Blacksburg.

I certainly hope that I'm wrong about the latter.  But, at this point, I think we need to just BE UVA - SUCK as much as we can - and then see if anything comes of it.

I'm sorry I don't have any game break-down from the BBLs.  I'm sorry I don't have anything interesting to say about 12:30 tomorrow.  The Goatees are 5-1 so far this season, and I'm betting that they will turn our day of Maroon glory into 6-1.

It's will be a cold, cold day in Blacksburg tomorrow.  My heart will be cold.  My butt, though, will be warm at home, on my IKEA couch.  I hope your butt will stay as toasty as mine.

Sigh... take a few shots... start making tally marks for every time they say 6'6" and/or 260.  I don't know.  Make it a drinking game.  All I know is that I'll watch and maybe, just maybe, get an ulcer.

Love that at least the Nats can take my mind off football,
The B.S.C.

Thank You, Direct TV

Losing to the Baby Blue Lambs (BBLs) would pretty much signal the end of our season.  A lot of you, like Reader Jennifer, may see this as the most important game of the season.  Being so close to North Carolina in Blacksburg means that there’s a good chance that you either know someone, or have a family member, who is a big BBL fan. 

If this is the case.  I’m sorry.  So, so sorry.  If we can’t beat a basketball school, you won’t hear the end of it for possibly an entire year.  Your friend/spouse/other family member will remind you of things you’ve said to him/her FOREVER… things like:

“I went to a FOOTBALL school.”

“What?  UNC has a football team?”

“Wow… that color is so…masculine.”

Last time we played the BBLs we were ranked #8 in the nation.  Wow.  I can’t even remember those days.  If you read the last pre-game BBL post, I sounded all peppy and optimistic.  I was all “Thursday night football!  Woooo!” and “The Giraffe is getting so confident!  Woooooo!” and “Look at all my pre-game research!  Wooooo!”

This is a much different season.  I am most definitely a different B.S.C. 

I don’t know what to really tell you about this one, folks.  I’m on my way to Virginia Beach, one of our finest recruiting grounds, right now to meet a bunch of Realtors tomorrow.  Yes, work on a Saturday.  Not quite like Thursday night football, is it?  So, I will not be watching tomorrow.  I may even have to pass on a Monday-ish game update.  Why can’t I DVR it, you say? 

Dear Direct TV,

We used to watch shows, you know, like football games, and our DVR would freeze during key moments.  The picture would freeze, the sound would freeze, and we’d just have to wait patiently for 2-5 minutes for it to come back.  That was pretty annoying I’d say.  So, we finally decided that we’d had enough of it, and called you out to Casa de B.S.C. on Tuesday.  Your fine technician, though very professional and nice enough to sport booties, could not locate the issue and simply replaced the DVR and readjusted the satellite (which, oh by the way, you connected to my siding about 3 feet off the ground – genius!).  Mr. Technician left while the new DVR was updating, and said all would be fine.  Oh no… all was not fine.  Tuesday night Mr. and Mrs. B.S.C. sit down to enjoy some quality television, and now something even more exciting happens!  The picture freezes, but the sound continues (somewhat like listening to the radio, I suppose).  Though you may perceive this as an improvement, Direct TV, this goes on for ohhhh…. 15-30 minutes.  It actually goes on so long that the next morning I turned on the TV, and THE SAME PICTURE from Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen is still on the TV.  RIDICULOUS!  Meanwhile, we get technician #2 to come out Wednesday.  He thinks he is brilliant and messes with some cables, and declares that the problem has been solved.  Again, like Technician #1, he leaves before the TV is actually running again.  He says, “just call if you have a problem”.  Frozen.  TV.  Again.  WORSE.  THAN.  BEFORE.  And, funny enough, Mr. Technician #2 doesn’t call back (though he drove back, parked in front of our house for about 10 minutes, and then left again without calling or coming in.  Yes, I’m not making this up.)  So, angrily the situation gets escalated, because the “scheduler” says that Technician #2 has no time to see us Thursday morning.  Excellent customer service.  Did I mention that we have 3 children with no functioning television?  So, the “supervisor” proclaims Thursday that our case is now special, and we have been assigned a case manager.  You know what that gets us?  Technician #3 on SUNDAY afternoon. 

You know, Direct TV, this is quite the “special” experience.  When my flippin’ contract is up, I’ll remember all this fun.  We were forced to get a kitten off of Craigslist due to the boredom of no TV.  I will send you my bills for de-worming, shots, and neutering shortly.  New kitty’s name is Shawn, by the way.  

Your best customer,

The B.S.C.

So, feel free to direct your no-new-post Monday hatred towards Direct TV.  Not Realtors. 

I would say I’m sorry for this nonsense post, but we all know that there’s not much to say here.  We SHOULD beat the BBLs.  But, we SHOULD have beaten Pitt and Cincinnati.  We have to get back to very basic Virginia Tech football concepts in order to win: play defense, pretend to play offense, and have a QB who acts like he wants to be there.

This seems to be a tall order for us this year, my friends. 

Enjoy the early kick-off thanks to Weaves.  He doesn’t even want us to drink away our sorrows - that’s how evil he is. 

Love me some Realtors,

The B.S.C.

Why Can't We Have Taylor Swift?

And, as Denise Austin would say... "breathe in.  Exhale out.  Breathe in again.  Exhale out.  One last time, breathe in.  And exhale out.  Now doesn't that feel better?"

Doesn't that feel better?

No.

This is why we, meaning Beamer and Stiney, should NOT recruit a player who wants to be a tight end and turn him into a QB.  Who is going to say no to us?  At least in VA?  "Hey you, you're really tall.  You can come be the quarterback in Lane Stadium and play on a nationally ranked team!  How does that sound?"

You want to know how that sounds?  Asinine.

I don't know what to sound off on first.  OBVIOUSLY, it's taken me some extra time to even approach the subject.  Here are the 5 things that bothered me most about Saturday:

1.  The Alumni bus.  I really liked the Alumni bus.  See here:

It was a good mix of ages.  The driver was nice.  The fried chicken and sides were delicious.  BUT... and this is a HUGE BUT, some idiot Alumni invited their two Fighting Red Panda Chik-fil-A friends on the bus.  I mean, are you serious?  I'm not the jerk in the stands who mocks the opposition on every play (but I saw you, whoever you are, in Section 454).  I think Hokies Respect is just some nonsense Weaves put up to ruin tailgating... somehow.  But, I do not want to sit on an ALUMNI bus with people from the other side.  I could have just hitchhiked or taken public transportation if I wanted to sit awkwardly on a bus for a couple hours.  AND, what Fighting Red Panda Chik-fil-A fans would want to ride on a bus with a bunch of Tech people?  I am simply baffled by the madness.  They weren't jerks about it after the game, but, regardless... I still hated them, and those who brought them.  Enough said.

2.  FedEx.  I hate that stadium.  I hate the endless ramps that only incline at like 2-degrees.  I had good seats, right on the 50-yard line on the upper level, but that place is just ugly.  It has no character.  And, yes, it was empty.  And, now, I know why.  I'm just not as smart as everyone else.  I know in the back of my head that the place is cursed, but for some reason I chose to ignore it.  Not again, my friends, not again.  Go ahead, Weaves, book another one for FedEx!  I bet you'll have a hard time getting 10,000 people in the stands next time, regardless of how many times you put it on LivingSocial.

3.  The parking (FedEx, part II).  So, I guess last time they didn't even have a bus lot.  Genius!  This year, in order to avoid that debacle, they opened up an itty bitty bus lot, and then... wait for it... didn't really bother to park people or control it.  So, hey, if you want to park your bus and then take up 5 spots tailgating, NO PROBLEM!  That is, until a crap-load of buses start to show up and the attendants start to pee their pants and drive around on golf carts beeping, try to get people to move their entire tailgates.  Nice planning, FedEx.  Then again, maybe it was the WEDDING taking up so much room.  Hmmm....

4. Our playing.  Running the Giraffe on 1st down is completely stupid.  Our entire play book is pretty stupid, in fact.  Not that this is a surprise to anyone.  This is getting ridiculous.  I should be excited when we get the ball, and instead, I cringe.  The major problem, though, is that I also cringe on defense now.  What is going on, Bud???  We didn't lose THAT many people on D.  Where is G-Dub?  If Stiney continues to suck (no surprise) and Bud can't get it going, my only conclusion can possibly be that Beamer's time is done.  Maybe we can't afford to have him hang around until he gets a National Championship.  It seems to me that he may be the reason we can't get one.  Loyalty is not all it's cracked up to be.  I'll give him the rest of this season to prove he's not going to be like JoePa and run our program into the ground.

5.  You.  Maybe you were smart and stayed at home for this one.  Or, maybe you were an idiot like me and make the trek into Landover.  If you happen to be one of those idiots, let me ask you this: did you stand up during the game?  You know... stand up, on two feet?  Or a foot and a peg leg, or two peg legs?  You know that thing you do in Lane Stadium the whole game that makes Lane one of the best home-team venues in all of college football?  My guess is that you didn't stand at all.  Maybe you were embarrassed because no one else in your section was standing.  Or, maybe you are a lazy sack of you-know-what.  All I know is that I was embarrassed to sit near the Red Panda fans, who stood up most of the game. Our cheering sucked.  Our team spirit sucked.  Let's face it - we helped them lose.

What else is there really to say at this point in the week?  Hump Day sucks.  Our football team sucks.  We may be headed for a UVA-esque bowl game, and you know what, we should hang our heads in shame at that.

I'm going to go lock myself in my closet and listen to Sarah McLachlan until my next post.  If we lose this weekend, I may have to start looking for another sport to support.

Love my Hater-rade this week,
The B.S.C.

Sarah McLachlan and the Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A's

I come into this week with mixed emotions.  Somehow, the Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A's are 2-0 this season, having already experienced two BYE weeks.  They've beaten Delaware State, which, to be honest with you, I often forget to consider as a state, and... wait for it... Pitt.  Yup.  Not "YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP".  Yup, as in, "Oh my gosh they beat the Couch-burners Jr. and we were horrible in that game and oh my gosh I'm going all the way to crappy FedEx to watch and oh my gosh, the last time we were there we followed up with a loss to JMU and OH MY GOSH!"

Dear Reader Jennifer, 

I do not enjoy when you call me to tell me to watch a Thursday night game where one future opponent is beating another future opponent, especially when the one future opponent is killing the other future opponent.  And, I especially do not enjoy watching us lose to the future opponent who got murdered.  And now, as I go all the way to Landover tomorrow, all I can think of is your phone call and how we are facing the murderers.  THE MURDERERS!  

Thanks for ruining my tailgate,

The B.S.C.

The Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A's are in our old stomping ground - the Big East.  They SEEM to have a decent offense, but to be fair, they have played both games at home at Nippert Stadium.  Like so many opponents' stadiums, their stadium name is so sad that I kinda want to laugh.  [Insert common NIP joke here.]

What exactly is a Fighting Red Panda Chick-fil-A?  A "bearcat"... a mythical beast that doesn't actually exist.  Most believe it to be a Red Panda.  Awww.  It's so cute!  

And for some reason, it's paw print closely resembles the logo of a very tasty chicken biscuit breakfast chain.  So it goes.

If we can't beat a panda, I don't know what to say on Monday.  Giraffes are way cooler than pandas.  Heck, turkeys are more bad-ass than pandas.  A panda is a cuddly little teddy bear.  How can we lose to a little cuddly stuffed animal?

I'll tell you how, Law & Order style:  

Exhibit 1: Weaves

How in the world do you give us 6 days notice for a 3:30 kick-off?  Blasted worldwide loser in sports!  I know you have something to do with this, Weaves!  You bring a game to my neck of the woods and you deprive me of the glory of a night game.  We should all be pissed about this.  I plan on saying, "Blasted 3:30 kick-off" as many times as possible tomorrow.  Join with me as you tailgate.  In fact, make a drinking game out of it.  Every time someone says it, everyone has to drink.

Exhibit 2: Stiney

So yes, the Giraffe wanted to win last week.  We looked OK, BUT, we weren't playing stuffed animals last week.  Our horrendous play calling, which, somehow seems to pretty much span the past decade, will have to somehow find its way out of its butt in order to win this one.  On the plus side, Tony Gregory will not be playing.  I prefer Coleman, so I like this.  It's just temporary.  Unfortunately, we lose that great pitch play from last week by not playing him.  Holmes and Coleman will have to step up.

Exhibit 3: Bud

Our D last week was average.  We need better than average tomorrow.  You know we stink when it comes to playing in big games, and this year, our D seems to be slightly bi-polar.  Will the happy-go-lucky D who listens to Taylor Swift show up?  Or, will it be the end-of-the-world D who listens to sad, sad Sarah McLachlan songs?

I think I'm just bi-polar about this one, too.  Part of me thinks that we can shove it to the worldwide loser in sports and Weaves by blowing out this pansy Big East stuffed animal.  And then, probably the bigger part of me, (the Sarah McLachlan part) thinks that this will be Boise State mixed with JMU, with a big Couch-burner Jr. cherry on top.

At least there should be 3-4 solid hours of drinking prior to the scariness.

So, that's all I have to say.  Drink up, my friends.  I'll be there.  Will you?  I won't be wearing orange.  Will you?  

Love WKRP, 

The B.S.C.

Don't Get Too Excited Yet (or, The Stupidity of ESPN)

As the worldwide loser of sports switched over to The Baby Blue Blankie game, I was blinded by the sun reflecting off the pastel blue that filled the little stadium.  Man, that color really sucks for a football team.  I'd take orange over a pastel any day.  And, speaking of crappy uniforms, the ugliness of Maryland's helmets is officially, 100%, impacting their playing ability.  They couldn't beat the Couch-burners, just this once?  Ugh...  What a disappointment.  

So, with just 4 games under our belt, and a super scary 3:30 game coming up this Saturday, apparently we have bowl predictions.  

Dear ESPN, 

I realize that only USA Today has us ranked in the top 25.  I also realize that Cincinnati is no Boise State.  But give me a flippin' break.  A 3:30 kick-off?  That is nonsense.  And bowl predictions?  Seriously?  Florida State has basically played one decent team - Clemson - and they are ranked #4.  You don't think these rankings are going to change?  Don't stick us in the Russell Athletic Bowl just yet, you idiots.  You know Bud Foster doesn't want to go to a bowl that sounds like a jock strap.

Your stupidity amazes me, 

The B.S.C.

With only 8 mentions of the Giraffe's height and weight, I think the worldwide loser in sports must have been napping on Saturday.  Some of my favorite quotes of the day:

~ "... sloppy first series for Virginia Tech."  (True, but OUCH.)

~ "Jerrr-ron Gouveia-Winslow"  (False.  LOOK AT THE PRONUNCIATION GUIDE IN THE GAME NOTES!!!  How many times do I need to say this?)

~ Half of the players either went by "Jerrr-ron" or "Anton".  (False.  Somehow I find this unlikely.)

~ "CJ Coleman"  (FALSE.  They almost did that one twice.)

~ Boo-boo Gates is "the most versatile player in all of college football."  (FALSE.  What?  Are they kidding?)

~ To wrap it all up, they showed a graphic with us having 21 points in the 1st quarter and 0 in the 2nd.  (False.  Stupidity on parade.)

If you have dyslexia, sorry.  That must be really rough.  But please, don't go work for ESPN as a graphics person or even an announcer, for that matter.  Because, it makes me angry when things are said (or displayed) incorrectly.  It's not like this is a group of high school kids doing this for free.  I honestly can't believe these people get paid to do this.  Obnoxious.

So it goes.

I don't like to see any players get hurt, but I was secretly (and openly) hoping that when Anthon Samuel went out in The Normals' first series that he wouldn't make it back in.  But no, he came back.  Luckily for us, Bud gave them some hell before the game and our D decided to show up.  Oh, and thank you for missing your first field goal attempt, BG.  That was super nice of you.  There's nothing wrong with a shut-out, my friends, especially when your Offense is like a turtle.  Were we trying to be like Maryland with our ugly helmets?  Who knows when it comes to Stiney.  

Let's use that thought to move right into a discussion on our Offense: Is it just me, or does the Giraffe actually look worse than last year?  I don't know if it was the bowl loss, the loss of our big WRs, something in the off-season, or what, but what is the deal with him?  Leave it to Stiney to actually make someone worse the longer he plays for us.  Our offense is simply egregious.  Bloody awful!  Did you see the shot of Stiney lackadaisically drinking a Diet Coke up in the booth after we got a 1st down on a stupid Giraffe running play?  Why were we running him so much on 1st down?  And where the heck is Mike O'Cain???  There is never any mention of him.  Who is REALLY calling the plays?  It certainly seems like Stiney never stopped, so why even bother?  Mike O'Cain is simply Stiney 2.0, so why not just give it back to Stiney?  He has nothing better to do than to sip his soda throughout the game, like it's no big deal that our Offense sucks.  

Why so much Tony Gregory?  That pitch play is the only thing he does well.  Coleman does awesome every time he's in, but they take him out and put Gregory in.  Our first successful drive in about 2 games ended in Coleman's first career TD, actually, giving us the 7-0 lead.  I'm going to have a coronary episode one of these days, and in my will, there will be strict orders to sue Stiney.

So, yes, the Giraffe had a TD to Roberts.  14-0.  And he had that scary rushing TD that almost ended in a fumble.  21-0.  Yes, yes, he was TRYING.  He was trying to let the team know that he was in it to win it, and I do appreciate that.  I felt bad for some of the little Normal linebackers who had to tackle him in the open field.  The Giraffe was really putting a hurt on them.  I'll let the INT slide just because The Normals got shut out.

Jarrett had an awesome game.  He's really becoming one of my favorites.  Holmes had a TD.  He's pretty solid.  I like the combo of him and Coleman.  Even Scales got a TD.  We were passing them out like candy on Saturday.  What, you want to score a TD?  Come on in, my friend.  The Normals are just giving them away.

We missed an extra point.  We had some extra-crappy punts.  What is up with our kicking game?  I blame Beamer for that.  He never should have recruited a kicker.  That should be an automatic walk-on spot for us, forever.

I don't know if it's just me, but there seem to be some horrendous calls by the Refs every single game.  I feel like I'm watching a pro football game every Saturday.  The call on Bonner (who, don't get me wrong, is pretty much on my poo list) for holding when the replay clearly showed him being "bowled" over by a BG player... was asinine.  He was on the ground.  Exactly what was he holding on to with his back on the grass?

Ahh... deep breath.  I think I'm done with my ranting.  I realize that I'm ranting a lot for a shut-out, but let's be clear - this should have been a shut-out.  I know that we tend to seize up when there's a "supposed-to", and we didn't, which is positive.  But, this game did not give me a warm and fuzzy feeling for our upcoming battle against the Chik-fil-a's.  We put together some long drives and we scored.  Our Defense was present. Let's just mark a "W" and move on, because nothing else matters until 3:30 on Saturday.

Before I let you go, did anyone see the little "U" mascots?  That's the only thing I enjoyed from the worldwide loser in sports this weekend.

And, I must share this article, http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/, because well, I still laugh every time I think about it.  

Love Altra Zero Drop ads... I need to get me some of those, 

The B.S.C.

Normal is Terrifying

Yeah, yeah, yeah... it's Friday night and I'm just now writing this all down.  Give me a break, people!  Are you excited for Bowling Green?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Just calm down and try to relax.  Weaves has a noon kick-off in store for us at home, with ugly camo helmets celebrating Military Appreciation Day, and tired students rolling out of bed at 11:45 too late to tailgate.  It's his idea of a perfect game day.

Don't get me wrong - I have no problem with camo.  Just... this camo looks weird.  Couldn't we go a more traditional route?  Don't worry.  If you love it, you can own one for an opening bid of $600, or a jersey for $300.  Yes, yes, my friends... college football is all about merchandising and auctions.

As I tried to prep for this week's game, I can't help but admit that I'm scared and, ....well... terrified.  The looks from all my coworkers... and comments... and jokes..., oh, and little pieces of paper left on my desk with things like, "Who is relevant now?" on them... well, it's hard to handle.  Is it time to head for my closet and rock back and forth?  I don't know.  I really don't know.

This is our 3rd meeting against the Falcons of Bowling Green.  We lead the tremendous rivalry 2-0, with our last meeting being a LONG, long time ago in 1993.  The Falcons are 1-2 in the Mid-American Conference, aka., the MAC, and are led by 4th-year BG head coach Dave Clawson.

At this point, I usually rename the mascot with something witty.  This time, though, the name landed right in my lap: The Normals.  This was actually the school's nickname until 1927.  It's so very, very sad that I almost want to cry for them.

Dear Weaves,
Don't get any ideas from The Normals.  We are not normal at Virginia Tech, even though your noon tailgates try to make us that way.  We are special.  Our mommies told us so.

Spitefully yours,
The B.S.C.

It's not even fair to make fun of a school like this, but for you, I will try.  Freddie "the Frat" Falcon (I added the middle part) was introduced in 1950.  Frieda Falcon, Freddie's much younger (and sometimes taller) wife was introduced in 1966.  Here is the happy couple:

The Normals picked a really awesome color combination to represent their school - ORANGE (not burnt) and BROWN (yes, poo color).  Surprising?  Nope.  Also not surprising is the fact that Doyt Perry Stadium only holds 24,000.  It's like a Texas high school game.  Quaint.

BG is near Toledo, Ohio... and Lake Erie, and it's only about 1.5 hours from Detroit.

Speaking of thug-life (OMG, is that an East Side or West Side reference?  Please don't get offended, gangstas.), READ THIS about a little boy we once called the future of VT football.  Yes, Marcus Vick.

Dear Giraffe,
If you don't kill The Normals and earn your hip-hop name sometime this season, you too may turn into Marcus Vick.  Just sayin...
Love,
The B.S.C.

BG is also awfully close to Ontario.  Land of Hosers.  Why am I talking about Hosers AGAIN this week?  There must be something wrong with me.  Or our team.  Or most likely, our Offensive Coordinator.

BG is also next to the Great Black Swamp.  It's pretty nice.

I'd like to see a Dual Survival episode there.

Although The Normals consider Toledo to be their arch rival, we better watch our butts during this one, folks.  Senior defensive tackle Chris Jones will be on the Giraffe like Spam on a Hawaiian all afternoon.  Running back Anthon (yes, no "y") Samuel is the reigning MAC Freshman of the Year.  The Normals have a decent QB in Junior Matt Schilz, but where they are really loaded is at WR.  Some names you will hear tomorrow are Chris Gallon, Shaun Joplin, and Ryan Burbrink.

Jarrett received ACC Specialist of the week for his 94-yard punt return for a TD last week.  Anything else notable about us from last week?  Ummm... you were there, right?  Or, you saw it.  N-O-P-E.

On the plus, side, the marketing specialists at Capri Sun have done something AWESOMELY HILARIOUS.

So yeah, I don't know what else to say about this one.  I'm terrified that this is a JMU repeat.  I may never be able to go to work again.  If our Defense can pretend to even show up, we MIGHT be OK.  But I have no idea what the hell to expect after last week.

I am baffled.

I'm also baffled as to why they haven't announced the kick-off for the FedEx game.  Are we really that cursed?  I'm supposed to be taking the Alumni bus... when, you ask??  No flippin' idea!  Why can't they set a time??  Because the game time hasn't been announced!!!  I know Weaves has something to do with this somehow.  I can hear him arguing with Danny Snyder about the benefits of a noon kick-off right now...

Say a prayer.  Close your eyes.  Hold your breath.  This is just our football team right now.

Love Dave and Cody (where are you guys??),
The B.S.C.

Read for Immediate Headache

Just in case you had better things to do on Saturday, I have transcribed my game notes here for you.  I hope you had better things to do.  I wish I had better things to do.

1st Series: Hello, Defense?  Where are you?  The Couch-burners Jr. made that look easy.
Our 1st Drive - The Giraffe decides to throw to Marcus Davis, who is surrounded by 4 defenders.  Bad, bad decision.
Our 2nd Drive - Oh Offense, where are YOU?  What the heck is the offensive line doing?  There are 3-4 guys on top of the Giraffe on every play.
Can we even attempt to stop their running game?
So, now the Couch-burners Jr. have their first turnover, first lead, and longest pass of the season.  14-0.  We have the goose egg.
The worldwide loser of sports announcer states a novel idea: The Giraffe needs to be a factor in the game.  Wow, ESPN.  You all really need to be paying that guy bonus money for that thought.
[Note to self: start tracking how many time they mention the Giraffe's height or weight.]
The Giraffe throws his second INT.  WHO was that to???
Our guys manage to lose a helmet on two consecutive drives.  This game is cursed.
Turnover #3.  The Couch-burners Jr. get the ball back.  21-0.  13:03 left in the 2nd quarter.
And finally, we get a field goal.  I will attempt to control my excitement.
James Gayle is a beast.  The Couch-burners Jr. are forced to punt at the 15-yard line.
The Giraffe takes half of the Defensive-line with him for an 11-yard gain.  If I wasn't so angry at the INT's, I'd give him props.
Oh wait, 3rd INT.
Kick is no good.  Half-time.  Thank God.  Give 'em hell, Bud!
94-yard punt return for a TD by Jarrett.  The longest punt return for a TD in Beamer's career.  Wow, maybe we can get back into this game.  Vandyke, #37, took out 2 defenders with an awesome block.  We might be ready to play now.
Good news - our Defense has shown up.
The Giraffe just fell on Wang and hurt him.  A loser in sports called the Giraffe "PLUS SIZE".  Seriously?  I mean, seriously?
4th down and a half yard - why give it to Holmes?  Asinine.
Horrible penalty called on Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce Taylor for tackling Tino.  Idiot call.
G-Dub forces a fumble, but the Couch-burners Jr. recover it.  Figures.
TD, Couch-burners Jr.
85-yard pass to Marcus Davis.  TD Hokies.  28-17.
4th Quarter
INT Exum!  Tino is now hurt.
Rushel Shell is a beast.  He is killing our Defense.
Bonner, #8, is having a horrendous game.
The Couch-burners Jr. go for it on 4th and 3, complete a pass with an injured QB, and get a 1st down.
Offsides penalty on Field Goal.  Wonderful.  Now it's first and goal at the 4 and 1/2 yard line.  TD Couch-burners Jr.
17-35
1st Couch-burner Jr. win of the season.  They have beat us now 4 times in a row.
The End.

It was painful and nauseating, AND embarrassing, and everything in between.  This game was supposed to be rainbows and butterflies, but for some reason we decided not to show up, on either side of the ball.  Bud let me down.  By half-time he should have had a strategy to stop their running game - and he didn't.  Stiney let me down, like always.  But, you know, I'm sure even HE didn't think that the Giraffe would have so many interceptions.

The Giraffe was a Plus Size failure.  What is wrong with him?  He is playing with ZERO confidence.  We could lose a lot of games, my friends.  A lot.

So many things went horribly wrong that I can't even begin to discuss them in a civilized fashion.  At least we had the trifecta of losing this weekend by adding in the Nats and the Redskins.  And yes, Josh Morgan probably lost the game for the Redskins with that stupid stunt.  But I can't blame him.  The Rams were getting away with all sorts of trash, and when the guy pushed him, it was the last straw.  Man, the officiating was horrible in that game!

USC lost to Stanford.  And, oh yeah, we have officially dropped from the rankings.  We deserve it.

In a way, I'm almost glad.  Our horrendous loss of the season is over.  Maybe we can look decent for the rest of the season now.  For some reason, we seem to need something like this every season to kick our butt in gear.

So, that's it for my rant today.  What else can be said?

Love trying to avoid my coworkers (not really),
The B.S.C.

P.S. I counted 8 mentions of the Giraffe's height and/or weight once I started to count.  It's like David Wilson's car all over again.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

The Couch-burners, sometimes called WVU, hate Pitt.  It is the truth.  Do they hate us more?  Maybe.  But the fact of the matter is that they hate both of us.  The Couch-burners hate that we have more class than them, even though we could practically spit on WV from our little slice of Heaven.  They hate Pitt because - well, I guess Pitt is a lot like them.  PA and WV are practically the same state, as much as PA doesn't want to admit it.  So, the question is, do we hate Pitt because they are like the Couch-burners, or do we love them because the Couch-burners hate them?

It's a tough question to answer, I admit it.  Starting next year, the Jr.Couch-burners will be joining us in the Coastal division of the ACC.  Syracuse will be joining the ACC in the Atlantic Division.  So, starting next year, we will be playing the Jr. Couch-burners every single year, and, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm kinda glad.  We SHOULD be playing the ORIGINAL (Sr.) Couch-burners every year as an out-of-conference rivalry.  They are in the top 10, and well, I hate them.  But, it would make us a much better team to play them every year - much like playing Miami sucks, but it feels so good when we win.  Instead, we play teams like Austin Peay and ECU and Duke... oh wait, I guess we can't avoid that last one.  Someone let them into the ACC.  Regardless, playing the Jr. Couch-burners on a regular basis is a good thing.

BUT, in my opinion we have no choice but to hate them.  Much like I hate Notre Dame fans and the idea of them coming into the ACC - well, kinda, sorta, half-way, but not technically for football - in 2014.  Either be in a conference or don't be in a conference.  Seriously!  None of their fans, much like Miami, ever WENT TO THE SCHOOL.  I DETEST that.  ABHOR IT!  It appears that the non-conference football team will be playing 5 ACC games a year.  I'm betting Weaves is the one who came up with this brilliant idea.  I can't wait to beat them and listen to the excuses at work...

But back to the Jr. Couch-burners - they have won 9 National Championships.  They play at Heinz Field, home of the Steelers (barf), which only holds 65,050.  Who knew?  Lane Stadium holds 66,233.  So, those two little tidbits, plus the fact that they are so close to being the Original Couch-burners that we'll barely be able to tell the difference... means, yes, HATING them in fine.  Encouraged.  Applauded.

They apparently hate themselves:

If you can't make that out, it says, "I SACKED TINO SUNSERI TOO".  That's their QB.  That's sad.

Yep, that's Tino on his back.

I could go on and on.

The panthers are really having a tough year so far.  They are 0-2, losing to Youngstown State and Cincinnati. When we beat them tomorrow, it will be their first 0-3 start since 2005.  Why such a bad season?  This is head coach Paul Chryst's first year as head coach.  He came from Wisconsin, so he has some promise.  Their defense is just horrible - young and inexperienced.  Their lead rusher, Ray Graham, averages just 87 yards/game.  And even though Tino is 6th all-time in passing yards at the school of Jr. Couch-burners, you can see from above how well he is liked.  I'm reminded of... Sean Glennon...but even we weren't that mean to Glennon.

The Jr. Couch-burners hail just 3 miles from downtown Pittsburgh.  They were the college football home of players like Russ Grimm (who must have loved it so much he had his son come to VT), Tony Dorsett, Dan Marino, and Mike Ditka.  So, should we fear the OLD GOLD and blue?

HAHAHAHA.  Of course not!  If the Giraffe can't get something going this game, then fire Stiney.  I mean it.  This is a game to boost our egos and pad our stats.  We lead the series 7-4, and yes, they've upset us before, but this is not the year for that, my friends.  We haven't played this form of OLD GOLD since 2003, and, I think they've missed us.  We are coming into this #13 in the polls (and yes, the AP poll and the USA Today poll agree with each other, which is unsettling).  Would I rather be playing the top 10 Sr. Couch-burners?  Yeah.  But, that would make me very, very scared.  We can beat this team in Stiney's sleep.

On a side note, the Pitt Promise obviously doesn't go far.  Read THIS from this Spring.  Hilarious!  What if he had choked on the plastic bag and passed out?  That would have made me pee my pants.  Like this almost did...

The cat in the background near the end is my favorite part.  And the chow mix.

So, that's about all I have to say for tonight.  This is the kind of game that dream stats are made of.  The Giraffe should be so excited that he can't sleep.  Be positive for this one, folks.  It's going to be fun!  Can someone earn his hip-hop name?  Maybe...

Love a college play-off, but having only 4 teams is asinine,

The B.S.C.

P.S.

What self-respecting school would take a picture of this and post it?

Yuck!  Is this WV or what?

Beamerball and The Rose Ceremony, Eh?

Maybe I was hearing an EVP on the fuzzy Madden 1988 reception via ESPN3 on Saturday, but I could have sworn that one of the announcers was introduced as a "former Marshall quarterback".  Umm... what game were we watching?  Exactly where did Marshall come into play?  This, like our Offensive line at times, baffles me.

Dear ESPN,

Hey!  The B.S.C. here.  It's been a while since we've chatted, and I just thought that you would appreciate some good feedback so far on the season.  Well, thanks for putting a top 15 team on Al Gore's amazing Internet.  That was pretty awesome, thanks.  I especially like the use of old Marshall QBs as announcers.  You know, I bet Druckenmiller would like the gig.  Or maybe Bryan Randall.  Or, I don't know... Bruce Smith?  Can you maybe find one successful Hokie to cover... THE HOKIES???  Just a thought.  You know, on another note, does your college football reporting center around a Hoser?  I mean, I can't take Jesse Palmer seriously.  Any man, or woman for that matter, who has been through a rose ceremony should not be allowed to talk about football.  Period.

Always a hater,

The B.S.C.

Speaking of hosers...

Funny, yes.  Football commentators, eh?  No.

Another comment that spewed across Al Gore's amazing Internet was the phrase: "one of the best in college football."  Were they talking about Beamer?  Nope.  Stiney?  Hahahaha.  Bud Foster?  Should have been.  The Giraffe?  Yes.  I mean, come on people!  I love me some Giraffe, I really do.  Has he earned his hip hop name yet?  No.  Can he do it this season?  Absolutely.  Is he one of the best right now?  Umm... I think we should refer to an expert for this.  Jesse??  Jesse Palmer?  Where are you?

Ohh, there you are!  Nevermind.

So we fumbled on our first play... which, was pretty ironic.  I just compared poor Coleman to David Wilson, and then he shared the same fate as poor David Wilson (minus the crying, I hope).  Then our first TD came thanks to a great return by Kyshoen Jarrett.  And then, I fell asleep.  Seriously?  We can't do any better against the Associated Press?

When I woke up from my slumber, there were ramblings of Beamerball on the fuzzy screen.  Beamerball... Beamerball... should this ring a bell?  What is this, Beamerball?

Oh yeah.  That's what we are supposed to be all about, right, even though I don't even feel like looking up when our last blocked kick was.  Remember the good old days when Keion Carpenter would block like 2 kicks every game?  That was Beamerball.  Now I cringe when I hear it.  We're more likely to rough the kicker than to actually block a kick.  But, OK, I'll drink the kool-aid again if Beamer can do it about 6 more times this season.  And, props to Tony Gregory for coming off his injury to be the bad-a$$ who blocked the punt.

Holmes scored 2 TDs, which is reassuring.  I think we are in store for a decent running season, between him and little DW.  That is, of course, assuming that the O-line can do something simple: block well enough to let a Giraffe fall forward on 4th and 1 and get a first down.  Since they can't consistently do that, I may not be that reassured.

So, somehow beating the Guv'nahs moved us up to 13 in the polls.  This is not a warm and fuzzy place.  I'm starting to get scared.

Dear Weaves,

I noticed the other day that the big cup I brought home from the Gah game has fireworks on it.  I'm all for the constant fireworks, though, I have always felt that the cannon was enough.  BUT, I think THESE particular fireworks look a little ODD.  They better not be THE fireworks that I'm thinking of.  If they ARE, you should be fired.  Like a basketball coach.  Like something Donald Trump would say.  If they AREN'T THE fireworks in question, then, well, why such a stupid cup?  Give me a player.  A coach.  The Hokie Bird.  I will cherish my Danny Coale cup forever.  Give me something else to cherish.

No love,

The B.S.C.

That's pretty much it for this week.  Madden/Al Gore didn't give me too much to discuss.  I guess I'm keeping the FedEx tickets for now.  This season scares me.  Does it scare you?  It should.

Love my 22 Hokie t-shirts and 6 hoodies hanging in my closet,

The B.S.C.

The Neverending Tailgate

Well, DJ Coles is out for the season.  The Giraffe was... the Giraffe, and earned no hip-hop honors on Monday night.  And, last but not least, we ALMOST lost our season opener.  Did I miss anything?  Oh yeah.  Tailgating for 8 hours is bad.  BAD.  BAD.  BAD.

Evil genius Jim Weaver knew that if he gave us a ridiculously long tailgate to start the season, we would most definitely hate a certain form of alcohol for the rest of the season and then just sip on iced teas and lemonades for the remainder of our noon kick-offs.  Blasted Weaver.  Blasted John Dalys.  You know what, Weaver?  I'm drinking one right NOW!  Didn't expect that, did ya?

AND, as for your hideous orange effect... YES, I did spend a good hour or two shopping downtown for an orange shirt.  AND yes, I bought one.  BUT, it came with a second FREE orange shirt, so TAKE THAT, Weaver!  And, OH BY THE WAY, I bought 4 other shirts while I was at it.  And none of THOSE were orange.  So, shove it, Weaves!  Your plan didn't work.  Next year I'll have TWO orange shirts to choose from... so who won this round, eh?  Uh huh... that's what I thought.

Tailgating is fun in moderation, kids.  8 full hours is not recommended.  The B.S.C. urges you to drink responsibly, especially when we might lose, because losing and drinking don't mix well.  Almost losing and drinking don't mix well, either.

I haven't had that much alcohol since college... not my finest moment.  So it goes.

JACK TYLER was the ACC Linebacker of the week, and Cody Journell was the ACC Specialist of the week.

That's it.  Those are our game highlights.

Just kidding... almost.  You know who I liked?  Coleman.  Reminds me of poor David Wilson, but without the crying.  Sorry, David.  Holmes looked decent, and so did Marcus Davis.  On D, G-Dub was awesome, along with JACK TYLER.  The "spread" option wasn't so spread out on Monday night, now was it?  Now if only we could score some points...

Looking on to tomorrow, we are playing our first game against Tha Guv'nahs [insert British accent here].  This game is so right up Weaver's alley that it is only broadcast online.  Whoop-dee-do.  I love not being able to figure out what's going on.  It's like the original version of Madden.

There's talk out there that we could score 70 points.  I doubt it.  We are a little banged up from the Gahs.  I feel bad for Tha Guv'nahs.  Their logo is awful.  It's what AP tests would use if they were trying to be cool.  And, to fit in with the British theme, they give red coats to their Hall of Fame - called The Red Coat Society.

I can't make fun of a school like this.  So instead, I'll revisit a favorite from last week:

I love him.  I truly do.

So that's it, kids.  I'm out of energy this week.  Short week, too much work, too little recovery time.  And, I don't want to waste anything too witty on some British kids - they wouldn't get it anyway.  I'm sure my next post will just be awesome after watching Madden 1988 for three hours.  Thanks, Weaves!

Two-a-weeks shall resume this upcoming week.  Scout's honor.  But hey, I'm not just throwing away the game tomorrow.  It is important for The Giraffe to get some swagger back.  I think Stiney beat it out of him in the off-season.  If he can get it back, the season isn't a complete loss.  If we don't score close to 70... then I may sell my FedEx tickets.

I hate FedEx.  The stadium, that is.  Good job, mail carriers.

Love 47 Brand, my new t-shirts of choice,

The B.S.C.

P.S. MAYBE, just maybe, the Madden game tomorrow is due to our embarrassment with the White Effect helmets.  Magnets do not make good helmets.  And why is reading so discriminatory?  What's up with that, Herma?  Can't everyone learn to read?  Geez.  I will be wearing maroon, from home.  Take that, Weaves!

High Hopes That Can Only Groh

Oh my, oh my, boys and girls! We are back for yet another season of the roller coaster that IS Hokie football.  I'm not talking about The Intimidator at Kings Dominion, where you pass out at the bottom of the big drop for half a second (which, you know, is not really cool, if you think about it).  I'm talking about something similar to The Grizzly... we kinda know what to expect - the ups, the downs, the headaches.  But will the coaster break?  Maybe one day.  Do we want to be on it when it does?  Nope.  And thus you know my feelings for the season this year.  BUT, don't think I'm all negative nancy on the season.  I'm not.  I am actually that really annoying friend who thinks that every year is THE YEAR we're going to fill that case with a National Championship trophy.  But hey, I have to prepare myself for the worst while secretly hoping for the best.  Even the national champion could lose a game.

Let's not waste too much time speaking of my bi-polar-ness with this upcoming season.

Let's watch this:

I picked this video for multiple reasons:

1. Thank God that we aren't playing a top 10 school to start the season.  I know that this really must have brought pain to Weaver because we all know his evil plan to ruin our season (and thus, tailgating) within the very first game.

2. Thank God we don't have this ugly uniform to look forward to.

3. I miss Tyrod.  Do you miss Tyrod?

4. Losing the first game of the season sucks.

Here's the reality of this game: the winner will most likely go on to represent the Coastal Division at the ACC Championship game.  What, or WHO, is important for us?

Yep, that man.  Or boy.  Man.  Boy.  Man-boy.  I am really getting old.  The success of our entire season rides on The Giraffe.  Is he going to be The Second-half Giraffe this year?  I hope not.  I hope by next column I can call him LT, not only because it sounds like a hip-hop artist, but because he earned it.  I know I said it before, but I'm going to say it again - Stop hating on the man-boy.  Hate on Stiney.  Stiney is the enemy.

The only other scary thing this season for me is the fact that we only have 4 seniors on our Defensive roster.  Wow.  I will toast one to that before the game tomorrow.  Don't be concerned about our RB status.  Yes, we killed the Gahs last year because David Wilson was a BEAST and ruined them, but we are never a RB school.  I mean, yes, in the past few years Stiney has somehow managed to make us look like we can actually recruit for that position.  But, let's face it: VT is all about the D.  And I love it.  Look for Michael Holmes to start for us at RB, with possible sightings of JC Coleman and Martin Scales.  Tony Gregory is returning from a second surgery to repair an ACL injury, so ignore him... for now.

Mr. Coale and Mr. Boykin, though sadly missed, will be replaced by Dyrell Roberts, DJ Coles, Marcus Davis and Corey Fuller.  No problems in that area.  I promise.

And - maybe the coolest thing about this season - BRUUUUUUUUUUCE Smith, the original BRUUUUUUUUUUCE, has a son playing for us: Alston Smith.  He's a freshman.  Not sure if we'll see him this season or not, but that's pretty darn neat.

Dear BRUUUUUUUUUUCE,

I am super-excited that your son will be putting on a Hokie jersey this year.  I am sure you are ecstatic as well.  But, as a man who heard his name yelled by adoring fans throughout his career, why give your son a name like "Alston"?  This is a little mean.  I can't yell "ALLLLLLLLLL-STONNNNNNNNNNNNN".  It simply doesn't roll off the tongue.  I hope you just lost out on the naming to your wife, who probably didn't want your son to grow up and play football.  If this was your idea, then... well, I might weep a little tonight.

Wondering why your kid has such a UVA name,

The B.S.C.

ALERT: The worldwide loser in sports will be broadcasting this fine Monday night game.  Look for the Gah's signature "Jazz hands" on third downs.

Speaking of jazz hands...

Clap burst. Enough said.

We come into this game leading the Gahs 6-3.  We are ranked 16 (nice and cozy), while the Gahs are not ranked.  Period.  Let's not forget the importance of winning against the Gahs, though.  We should be able to crush them and their I-don't-know-what-play-to-call-but-we're-gonna-call-it-the-option-and-ESPN-will-think-it's-cool offense.  I know we only have 4 seniors on D, but really, we have Bud.  Give 'em hell, Bud!

Ahh... I was so nice to say that.

The importance of beating this nasty-a$$ Atlanta team is all because of the man, the myth... the legend:

Dear Al,

Oh, Al, I've missed you!  What's that, Al?  You're telling your players to use jazz hands only when appropriate?  That is some good coaching down there in Atlanta, Al!  I am so excited to see you in person tomorrow night!  Please wear a sweatshirt!  The forecast calls for 69 and t-storms, so you will need it, Al.  And, you know, if it's not tucked in, it just isn't presentable.  Just keep that in mind.

Love your sense of sideline style,

The B.S.C.

If The Giraffe can make Al look stupid, he will earn his hip-hop name.  That can't be all that hard.  I mean, come on... it just CANNOT be hard.

I've made fun of the Old Gold before.  I've made fun of the Ramblin' Wreck and Buzz...I won't submit you to hearing about those again.  Unless you want to, and in that case, read this and this.  But really, what kind of school talks about tailgate parties for away games, and leaves us out?  Clemson and MD?  That's it?  I understand Clemson, but the land of the ugly flag?  What gives?

Our only concern is that QB Tevin Washington is pretty solid, and well, we're only returning 4 seniors on D (did I mention that already?).  Bud. Bud. Bud. Bud. Bud. Bud.

Whew!  I can go off on so many tangents for game one that it's exhausting.  So yeah, I'm excited.  Do I have to pay someone to watch my kids for 24 hours so that they can get to school on Tuesday?  Absolutely.  Do I have to stay in Roanoke because I never book early enough?  Absolutely?  Will Heaven probably open up and produce Lee Corso-style torrential rain?  Most likely.  Will the trip down 81 be worth it?  Yes.  Yes indeed.

Exit 118B,

I have missed you, old friend.  Are you lonely in the off-season?  I'm sorry about that.  Look for my Hokie tags tomorrow, and know that I'm glad to see you, too.  You are the best exit ever.  Please don't get more complicated.  I worry every year that you won't be the same and I won't be able to find Blacksburg.  Please, please... stay just as you are.

Smooches,

The B.S.C.

I will leave you with this: Weaver wasn't completely silent when it comes to the season-opener.  Orange effect.  Seriously???  Orange effect on the first flippin' game of the season?  I don't have an orange shirt to wear, so shove it, Weaver.  I'm wearing our good color.  Now, if I happen to find a decent burnt orange t-shirt somewhere downtown, I might be inclined to buy it.  So is he an evil genius?  Maybe.  Blasted orange.

Enjoy your tailgate, my friends.  I will enjoy mine.  8:00 games are what Lane Stadium is all about.

Love hideous hoodies,

The B.S.C.

Enter Sandman, Enter The B.S.C.

The Olympics are over.  We no longer have to wonder why the Japanese gymnast has such horribly dark, thick, armpit hair.  The big boys in the NFL are getting ready to play.  The Nats are kicking a-- and taking names.  Oh, but baseball and the NFL have nothing on this.  The smell of giant turkey legs wafting through the air... the hope that whoever you bought your tickets from has permanent seat cushions (FOR HALF-TIME use ONLY)... the excitement of seeing the new orange and maroon effect t-shirts.  Oh yes, my friends - it is almost here.  And what better way to get a little inkling of that feeling, just for a couple minutes, than to watch THIS:

The B.S.C. is pleased by this video.

Alright, so there's nothing really to complain about from the draft.  I have nothing to rant about.  Yeah, it sucks that Danny Coale is with the Cowboys.  Yeah, it sucks that David Wilson is with the Giants.  Yeah, it sucks that Boykin is with the Packers.  But hey, our boys drafted pretty well.  No complaints.  Moving on.

Andre Davis has joined the Hokie Sports Hall of Fame this year.  Well deserved.

Something else well deserved:

"Wednesday: Arizona (Flagstaff, Ariz., Northern Arizona University)

How the first day of camp can lift an entire organization. If you blinked, you missed it. Or if you were gazing at the imposing San Francisco Peaks just north of the practice field in this lovely college town, you could have missed it too. Ryan Williams, who'd provided so much hope for the Cardinals' running game last summer before rupturing his patella tendon in a preseason game, took a handoff up the middle in the first practice of the summer. Then the second-round draft pick out of Virginia Tech in 2011 did something he hadn't done in 49 weeks: He juked one defender left while planting and cutting right, then did the exact opposite -- juke right, cut left. The crowd oooohed. "Go Li'l Sweetness!'' someone yelled, because that's what Williams likes to be called. Two hard cuts. As heartbreaking as it was to lose Williams last year, that's how thrilling it was for the Cardinals to see that two-second cut-cut scene. Quarterback Kevin Kolb and wideout Larry Fitzgerald were talking about the play afterward with a camp visitor. "Amazing,'' said Kolb. "Great. The comfort level you've got to have after whatever knee injury he had --" "Patella,'' Fitzgerald said. "Yeah,'' said Kolb. "But three, four cuts, after an injury like that. To trust your knee to make moves like that ... Wow." On the field, Williams was reliving the play over and over, as reporters crowded around him. I asked if he'd heard the "Li'l Sweetness'' shoutout. "I heard it,'' he said. "I heard it. Felt good.''

Let's just put it all out there on the table:

WTF is up with WVU being ranked so high?  

Is The Giraffe going to earn his name this year?  

Is our Defense really going to be top 10 in the nation?

When are Annie and Augie going to get together on Covert Affairs?

The B.S.C. cannot answer these questions.

To all you Logan-haters out there, SHUT IT!  Hate on the problem: B-R-Y-A-N S-T-I-N-E-S-P-R-I-N-G.  Don't hate on the boy for wanting to be a hero.  I have major hope for him.  And, oh by the way, you should, too.  Hokies Respect doesn't mean respecting Austin Peay, it means dealing with the asinine coaching decisions that happen on the Offensive side of the ball.  Stiney is an idiot; we all know this.  Don't blame The Giraffe for it.  So SHUT your yaps on the boy, and let the 6'10" behemoth play ball.  You all should be ashamed for hating on your own QB.  Moving on.

We come in to the season #16 on the AP poll and #20 on the USA Today poll.  We can all breathe a sigh of relief at this - you know how bad it is to be ranked in the top 10.  That guarantees us a loss to Duke at Homecoming.  Top 20 is a nice, calm place.  We aren't so bad that we can't make the top 25 with a TE turned QB, but we aren't on anyone's radar for the BCS... which is a good thing.  This is perfect positioning, so far as I'm concerned.  

Well, that's it.  I've used as many two-word sentences as any English teacher could stomach, so my time here today is done.  I just wanted to tell you that I'm baaaaaAAAAAAAAccccccccccckkkkk.  Back to my two-a-weeks for your reading enjoyment.  I've done my leg presses and my dead lifts, and I'm ready for all the nonsense that Stiney can throw at me this season.

Love Costco's VT hoodies, 

The B.S.C.

P.S.  Why, oh why, are we competing with MD for the ugliest helmet award?  Are we playing with a team of  6-year-olds, or 20-year-olds?

The MD QB is actually out for the whole season due to their ugly helmet and unis.  Poor kid.